Thursday, January 11, 2007

13 things not to put in a Romance Novel

  1. A man named Grievous who refers to himself in the third person - maybe you need to be a Kiwi or a NZ'er to get this one - Water Rats was too cool! But then I always had a soft spot for Jay Lag'aia
  2. Call a man's penis snooky doodums - heck don't call anything snooky doodums, that type of talk is reserved for great Aunt Betsy of the thousand cats.
  3. Vagina's are not magic, they wont heal anything...give you a case of gobbling knob rot maybe, but as Bam might be prone to say... "Oh Science, not another magic va-jay-jay!"
  4. "That's not going to fit!" I mean come on, seriously!
  5. And on that note, seriously, most guys aren't that big. Although I do have a habit for hanging around ASSTR.org where they can delve into the, um...imaginary.
  6. Virgins & Multiples. Yes, I know, I capitalised Multiples. It deserves a capital as it is the pinnacle of Orgasms and should be revered. Virgin and Multiples should not be in the same sex scene. I will grant you 1 vaginally induced O, but that's it.
  7. Honoria. Now I know that is a favoured name amongst historicals (I read a whole heaping helping of historicals), and that it is a stately name. But frankly it squeeves me. Do you pronounce it 'on or e ahh', 'ha on or reea', 'on err ear' ? What? And I always want to try hock a lugie to get the H sound right - so not a good look or sound to be more exact.
  8. Weeping maiden widows - eeh, I think that says it all. Pick yourself off the floor, and go spend all that old mans money and shag his 25yr old hunkilicious son FFS! There's no need to cry over something so easily rectified.
  9. Actually, come to think about it, heroines ( I use the term loosely here) who cry woe is me and swab their clammy brow because they can't get laid...puulease! Even the staypuff marshmallow man can get laid, why can't you?
  10. This one is courtesy of a reader group - Gushing Pussies (is that the right plural in this instance? I had an internal debate over hardon/hard on/hard-on already so why not pussies/pussies/puss-ayes) So, so not cool. Reserve gushing to over the top heart wrenching monologues and pregnant women.
  11. And my personal 'love to hate it' from that same chat group - with/in need. I don't know why, but every time I read this it pulls me out of the story faster than the finger my husband uses on the mouse button to try hide that he is watching porn.
  12. Werewolves who keep big dogs. Can no-one else see the potential trainwreck here but me? Talk about talking it to a new level from Twinsest!
  13. My mothers brothers illegitimate child's my sisters brother...that's so wrong on so many levels...


2 comments:

gem said...

Very funny stuff. You mean, the Sta-puff Marshmallow Man gets laid. No wonder he wears his cap rakishly.

HeatherinBeautifulBritishColumbia said...

Great list!