Sunday, July 02, 2006

...Santa Claus has sex...

Along with all the other wonders of the Universe, have you ever wondered where the Easter Bunny gets his eggs from? Or what does the Tooth Fairy do exactly with all those teeth and do Santa Claus and Mrs Claus have sex?

Being in the mid winter Christmas frame of mind (remember I'm in NewZealand at the moment, Christmas is in Summer time and Winter in June/July), I figured I might try apply some theories about Jolly Old St Nick and his Mrs.

Here is an excerpt from the first chapter :

“Look, Nick, you have to choose one.” Simon sighed as he tried in vain to get his good friend to take notice of the applications in his hand.

“The Elven Union rep is here hinting at a strike, the dwarves are constantly arriving late…I don’t even want to think about what Rudolph and Dancer are getting up to with Vixen and Prancer…you have to choose someone, now! We can’t go another season without having a Mrs. Claus.” Simon slapped the resumes down on Nick’s desk and leaned over the front of the desk putting his head in Nick’s personal space to get his attention. “Nick!”

Nick looked up and started at Simons face glaring at him from such a close range. He carefully put down the internal mechanics of the new toy he was developing and sighed.

“I told you already, Simon, just choose one that you think best fits the bill. You know me well enough to figure out a good match.”

Simon muttered under his breath as he retreated back to his side of the desk, “Sometimes too damn well.”

“I don’t have the time to do all this courting crap. I have toys almost ready for mass production but I have to work out all the final kinks before we can get started.”

“There won’t be any damn production running if things carry on the way they are.” Simon was pacing to and fro across the room, running his hands distractedly through his blonde hair. Dropping his hands he turned abruptly to his friend. “For God’s sake, Nick, this is your wife. Not some secretary position that anyone can fill.”

Simon sunk into one of the comfortable chairs beside the fireplace and dropped his head into his hands, his frustration at his friend’s lack of concern rather clear. “Your wife! Your for the rest of your life…to death to you part…in sickness and health, warm your bed on a cold winters night, wife!” Simon’s hair was starting to look rather porcupine like from all the yanking and pulling—not such a good look for an Elf. “And what about sex? What if you don’t like my choice…what happens then?”

Nick had moved from behind the desk and absently patted his second in command on the shoulder as he strode past heading towards his cluttered work bench. “I trust you Simon, you know what I like.”

“Blonde, buxom, brainless with long legs?”

Nick stared off into space remembering a certain woman that matched that description exactly from his last trip to Florida. “Yeah…just like that.” He murmured as his eyes glazed over and he tried to surreptitiously adjust the increasingly snug fit of his jeans. Nick flushed and coughed to deepen his voice to cover up his little daydream, “Ah, yeah…that sounds good, Simon. Why don’t you get right on that.” Nick had turned his back to the room trying to hide his erection and didn’t see Simon frown.

Nick waved his hand absently at the man behind him. “Sooner rather than later, I think. Pick a girl, get her to sign on the dotted line…do that marriage by proxy thing and get her back here keeping everyone happy.”

“Signed, sealed and delivered, huh?” Simon was contemplating Nick’s back thoughtfully. If Nick hadn’t been so distracted he would have seen when his friends face changed from thoughtfully perplexed to rather pleased with himself.

Rising, Simon decided that he would do just as his friend asked but with a little twist—he would find the wife his friend really needed, not just a woman he ‘liked’. Yes, Simon knew his friend all too well. He and Simon had shared more than one of those brainless bimbettes over the years, and although the erotic ménage play was remembered fondly, the faces and names attached to those bodies were long forgotten.

Yes, Simon thought to himself as he exited the room, not bothering to say good bye as Nick was oblivious to his surroundings as he fiddled with his creations, oh yes…he knew just what Nick needed.

Turns out Santa might be able to invent the hottest toys for kids but doesn't have a clue about the internal workings of a woman...

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