Friday, September 21, 2007

Mortality

I've reached a point in my life where my own mortality occasionally throws out a punch and scores me a direct hit to the jaw.

At 34 it's not as if I've even lived half of my theoretical life span (car accidents and heart attacks willing), but now and then the fact that certain things in my life are over slam home that indeed we only live to die. That one day, all of this will go on, but I wont be here.

What brings on this spate of melancholia? A particularly heart-wrenching sermon? Unlikely considering I'm not a church goer. A hard hitting, unexpected death? No, though that my Aunt has recently been through surgery for cancer and is facing Radiation/Chemo was a pretty damn visceral kick to the gut - and no, no out of the ordinary health worries for me.

So what was it that had me near enough to... okay, balling my eyes out in my driveway last night? A song.

A damn song, of all things. Five for Fighting's 100 years to be exact. Now if I could figure out how to put in a hinkey little song widget I'd just put the song up, instead you get the video:



Seriously, every damn time I hear that song I turn into a weeping emotional mess.

I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind
I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star
15 I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on...
I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you’re on your way
Every day's a new day...
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

What am I going to do about it?

Well, nothing really. I won't be jumping on the 'I've been saved' bandwagon -- I figure if heaven exists, trying to live a good life where I don't try not to slip up should be enough to get through the door. After all, morality and agnosticism are not mutually exclusive. I won't be going out throwing myself out of planes (eww heights!) or climbing K2 any time soon, either -- I severely doubt even a parachute the size of a hot air balloon could keep this ass in the air!

Instead, I think I'll just have to live with my occasional bouts of 'OMG I'm gonna die!' and get on with enjoying the 60 odd years I've left on this planet. I've got books to write, clothes to make, a kid to frustrate me no end, and since we've only one I'll be this side of 50 when he leaves for college, plenty young enough to enjoy tripping around the world ... and 60 more damn years to cry at this song and contemplate my mortality ...

2 comments:

Amanda Young said...

Love that song, Anne. Though I have to agree it is depressing. The best ones always are. :)

blessedheart said...

Hi Anne,
Personally I like that song, too, but I understand where you're coming from. I'm only 38 years old. I've had 2 heart attacks, several strokes, and multiple health problems. I know I won't live 100 years. But I don't spend my time worrying about dying. You have to take one day at a time, and find a little joy in each and every day. I'm not a chuch-goer myself, but I firmly believe God has a plan for all of us. We just have to live life the best we can.

Rhonda :-)