Thursday, February 08, 2007

13 ways in which your day could be worse

  1. You and your dog have the same hair style because your anti frizz, frizzed.
  2. You forget to scrub off the Agent Blue mouth rinse in your anti frizz frazzle, and its not till your first potty break that you realise every knows you didn't brush your teeth this morning.
  3. Gum. Sit on it, stand on it, or your dog rolls on it - stick to peppermints.
  4. Running out of gas while you're sitting in the queue at the lights - first in the queue at the lights!
  5. Flat tires just plain suck. (Personal experience with this last weekend)
  6. The Blue Screen of Death - if you don't know what this is count yourself lucky.
  7. Followed quickly by a grinding, beeping, crunching noise as your hard drive dives into the river Styx.
  8. When you realise with great pain and screaming that the last backup you made was six months ago, if ever.
  9. Cow Pats. I don't care if you were so poor you jumped from cow pat to cow pat to keep your feet warm in winter Grandma, that's just gross! Though I have to say, dog crap smells worse.
  10. You're not this guy:
    We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
    Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
    On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

    Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

    "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
    "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
    "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

    So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
    It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink, and at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

    Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

    When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
    If they only knew!
  11. Getting half way through your morning granola then realising those little white things are moving.
  12. Your most favourite coffee shop, the one that you religiously stop at every morning has been shut down for major health code violations, and the next nearest Java shop is five blocks behind you in the rush hour traffic snarl.
  13. Your boss comes in late, looking like he's been dragged backward through a blackberry bush - His wife invited both sets of in laws to stay for a week; the kids are playing grandparent off grandparent to get more loot; and his wife just dropped the bombshell that she's pregnant, again.


16 comments:

crowwoman / rhian said...

these are great Anne. Thanks for the reality check. I needed it.

Jaci Burton said...

I greatly fear the blue screen of death.

And dog crap *g*

Christine said...

LOL Now I don't feel so bad about being at work sick! Thanks for the giggle this morning.

Joely Sue Burkhart said...

Ack, the coffee shop closure would definitely ruin my day! I love my coffee. *shudder* Happy TT!

Mert said...

I have read the cat sroty before, and it never ceases to make me laugh. My husband didn't think it was so funny. Happy TT!

Qtpies7 said...

Oh my gosh! Reading your blog is THE best thing that has happened to me in a week, just read my TT to see if I'm lyin'! My poor nursing baby just looked at me as I was hooting and tears were streaming down my face! I'll be sending your link all over the place today!
I've got a good one for you to read, too. http://fiddledeedee.net/2007/01/29/the-perfect-gift/ I was roflol on this one, too.

YoungMommy said...

So funny!! Great TT... Makes MY life seem like a piece of cake!
Have a great Thursday!

BeckyD said...

Perspective, it's all a matter of perspective.

The Rock Chick said...

You're right! Any of those things could make any day worse!! Very funny list and I enjoyed reading it!
Happy TT Jessica

Nikki said...

I have been creating "Thirteen Thoughts for Thursday" for a little while and didn't realize there was a whole MEME for it. So, I'd like to join you! I also about wet my pants reading yours today. Thanks for a good laugh!

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

Thank you, Anne! I was feeling down this morning; you've cured me of it! White things in your granola... YUCK!!!!

Happy TT!

Sara said...

I laughed out loud. Fabulous list!

Lee said...

ROFL!! I needed this!!! Thanks for a great laugh.

Isabella Snow said...

Have you really run out of gas at the light???

Lara said...

wow. you've convinced me that i am having a fabulous day. thanks!

my TT is up - hope you can visit! :)

Anne Douglas said...

Isa, I'm usually the person directly behind the person who runs out of gas. grrr!