13 reasons you should help me with my blog experiment

Just why you should leave me a comment giving me some ideas for my interactive blog serial story.

1. You can't get enough 'I fell in love with the sheik and am having his love child stories' - Seriously, I'd work with that!
2. You can vicariously live out your fantasies of having the heroine make out with a guy call Eunice.
3. To make sure I don't add in ehxtra h's or mh'ss a few v'w'ls - did ya see that? I got an h and a miss vowel in the same word!
4. This is your chance to explore your wildest mail man fantasies
5. Or, of course, your geek gets the hot cheerleader ones
6. Though I do put my foot down at the geek and his hawtness invention romances - no dick drive slots here thank you. (there is a story behind the 'dick drive', I must tell y'all one day, or better yet, make a graphic)
   
7. Ever since Mrs Doubtfire you've wanted to use the name Euphegenia (hey, anyone noticing the weird E name trend here?)
8. Who needs a hot latin lover, when we could have a short, swarthy eskimo instead? Just imagine all the hot, melt-the-igloo lovin'...
9. Here's your chance to prove me wrong, and that Doug is really the primo size at 12". Hell, throw in a double, triple penis even, just for kicks!
10. Guys with green skin and purple polka dots are you thing - well write it down, who knows I might just be able to work it in there.
11. You really want to read a story about the new generation of paranormal shifters - no panthers, lions or wolves here, lets talk duckies, squirrels and armadillos.
    
12. I mean, how often is it you get the opportunity to screw with my head by suggesting totally outrageous ideas I have to work with
13. It's fun - and I'll do my best with what I'm given to make it a sexy, sexy read :)

13 Things a 12" dildo could be used for...

An x rated Thursday 13:

13 things you could use a 12" dildo for...

1. A doorstop - more specifically for the bedroom. One look at that baby and you'd either be hot to trot, or develop a constant, vicious "headache"
2. A book end - buy a second one, maybe one that vibrates and set them either side of your erotica collection
3. Hammer nails - After all, 'His cock was hard enough to hammer nails' has to be used copiously in romance novels for a reason
4. A rolling pin - it's about the right size, and all that veining would give your pastry a lovely textured finish
5. Which leads into: Back Massager. A little bit of lotion, a little bit of elbow grease ... YOUR BACK, people, your back ... sheesh, all your minds are in the gutter!
   
6. A dog chew toy - all that rubbery goodness, and it's the perfect size to fit a big, slobbery doggy mouth around
7. That suckers heavy, you can use it in your daily exercise regime as a hand weight - thought it's that damn long you could use two and wrap them around an ankle for a leg weight and hit the street. Should be worth a few sniggers and shocked looks from the grannies and moms with the trendy running strollers. (I'll let you decide who's gasping and sniggering)
   
8. Bash the SO around the head when he fails to get you off before he starts snoring. I can see the headlines now - a mad rash of dildo deaths around the world...
9. Paperweight - did I mention how heavy that sucker is?
10. Use it to replace that broken chair leg that's been bugging you for months.
11. I guess you could use it for it's intended purpose... though I'd suggest some porn and a good stretching routine beforehand
12. Replace that baseball bat you keep beside the bed to ward off intruders - They'll take one look at the 12" rubber dick and either collapse from laughter, or run in fear - especially if you have it attached to a harness at the time *insert little devil smiley here*
13. Why don't you leave me your favourite idea in the comments :)

13 things about school being back in session

There are no first day of school blues in this house, and I don't really care if that makes me a 'bad' parent -- it makes me a sane one in this house. Monday can't come soon enough

1. I can turn my music up and the only complaining is from my howling cats
2. No more waking up to the sounds of gunfire and the grisly sounds of death at 6am
3. No more requests for Daddy to 'put on his 'puter so I can play the tank game' at 6am (noticing a theme here?)
4. Yes, I'm one of those bad parents that lets her child play wargames and takes them to adult action flicks.
5. The glorious sound of silence. Pop/rap/rock music is for cleaning, silence (something as you can see from the above has been lacking lately) is for writing. Well, that's not quite true, I do have instrumental relaxation/meditation/inspiration music going on in the background.
6. It's much easier to diet when you don't have the temptation of going halvsies with the kiddo whenever he's feeling peckish.
7. Less mess
8. Well, that's the theory anyway -- I don't aim to be messy, I just frickin hate housecleaning!
9. Get to have Friday Morning Coffee again with my girlfriends. It goes on hiatus over summer as it's a tad difficult to have coffee and gossip when you have to corral ten kids.
10. Running errands, while still a chore, will not be quite so tedious. No more 'I'm waiting in the car' 'no you're not, its 101degrees out and you're 7, if a policeman comes by he'll arrest Mummy for being bad' arguments
11. See above but insert Gym and home. Though I've been just giving in on this one and saying to hell with it ... might a good reason why the pounds have crept on and my favourite capris are too damn tight.
12. I will miss the conversations like todays 'How about we get Miss Jenna to cut you're hair after she does Mummy's?' 'Did she cut Daddy's hair?' 'No, why do you ask that?' 'Cause if she was the one that gave Daddy his bald spot I don't want her cutting my hair!' I swear, that is word for word, cross my heart, a true conversation ... for the sake of FB's embarrassment I won't go into the old persons and baldspots comments after that :)
13. No door to door school bus this year. Crap, that means I have to start using the car lane ... I need Wi-Fi! *sob*

13 reasons I'm looking forward to getting away for a few days

• This house and I, we've seen much too much of one another in the last few months. The summer weather is not conducive to getting out and doing things, it's too damn hot, or perversely too damn wet!
• The kiddo and I, we've seen much too much of one another, lol. He's going with us, but a change of venue, with no loud computer games and blaring t.v is going to be good.
• It means I can put off wallpapering the bathroom for another 4 days :)
• Other than one rip to Chicago, in 5 years I've not left the State of Florida, unless it was to go home to NZ. I'm not really succeeding at seeing the country -- unlike hubby who's been all over the show, even if it was for work.
• I need a break from writing and sewing, I've not been enjoying either the last week - but that's PMS for you, I was NOT a good person to be around last night, things just went from bad to worse and there was no chocolate to be found *sob*
• I love visiting historic locations, and Savannah is pretty damn historic. I'm looking forward to seeing some of the old south. Though I have a feeling I might turn around and tell hubby we are moving 2 hours north :)
• My camera and I are going to get cozy -- expect to be inundated with photos next week.
• Being able to spend an afternoon by the pool reading -- when FB's at work, I have to get in the pool with kiddo, needless to say neither eBook nor paper fairs well in that situation!
• I'm hoping the new scenery will spark some new writing ideas.
• Shopping! Although we are on a tight budget for this trip, but I might be able to squeeze a little something out of the stone.
• No housework. Yaaaay!
• Will try out some local eateries and maybe find somewhere with good food that's not expensive (ala The Melting Pot where I went with the GF's on Monday, tres expensive!)
• Family time. Though we haven't been anywhere this summer, we haven't connected much -- unless it's been with our respective computers, which reminds me, must book kiddo in to get his eyes tested *sigh* a mothers jobs are never done!

13 reasons not to be a blogger behaving badly...

1. Judge not, least yea be judged -- I'm not a bible kinda girl, but it does contain some very wise truths.
2. Readers - If some of them are anything like me, if you cross the line, I don't bother buying anymore. I can't be bothered supporting your bad behaviour.
   
3. Editors - they blog surf just as much as we do, and first impressions are not the only ones that count.
4. Time - Blogging is enough of a time sink (you know it is!), but starting a blog war that rages for days, weeks, hell even months? Meh, what a waste of freaking time.
5. Reputation - Do you really want to be remembered as a blogger who behaved badly?
6. Karma - Kismet, whatever. Unpleasantness only begets further unpleasantness. It'll be back to bite you in the ass at some stage.
7. You can put your evil schemes to work for ... oh, I don't know, solving world peace or something small like that. After all if you've got time to hunt down google caches, urls, ip addresses and all the rest a cure for cancer should be a piece of cake.
8. Seriously, it gets old after a while - just like reruns of Friends. It was great the first time round, even the second and third, but it's on, what the 20th rerun now? It's done.
9. Highschool was, for most of us, over 10 years ago -- more like 20 for some -- classroom style, but-she-said vendettas are so passe
10. Gossips always get it in the end -- or at least end up married to the guy glued to his armchair, wearing a wifebeater, and demanding a beer ... or a hairnet ala Ena Sharples:
11. ewww... Ena Sharples ... could be worse, you could end up like Bet:
12. I'll leave 12 and 13 up to you, I've got a WIP to polish up!

13 excuses

So my total word count for the week - A big fat 0!

So here are my 13 excuses:

1. ... err ... the dog ate it? No matter that I only have cats.
2. Housework. That says it all really. It's one of those succinct one word sentence deals.
3. It's just been too sunny! No thats a down right lie.,it's been as stormy as hell most days. And who am I kidding, this great white whale and the pool are on rocky terms, so it's not like I'm actually out there enjoying it.
4. I had to sew. This is not a lie, my sewing group, IvyLane had a theme launch this week. I spent yesterday trying to figure out another set, which leads us to ...
5. My muse has disappeared. Oh, she's not gone, gone, just taken a little holiday.
6. I'm suffering from school holiday burn out. Summer holidays, 7 yr olds and sexy stories just really don't mix so well. This same time last year I'd only just started writing, and we had a surprise trip home to NZ, so this year our holiday is pretty damn boring, and long ... gawd it's feeling so damn long.
7. I've got a headache. A doozy of a one. Seriously, I'm thinking of breaking out the big guns and raiding hubby's vicodin stash. I really need to get some supplies of neurofen plus sent from home.
8. I've read about 10 books this week, I've been doing 'research'. And probably the reason for my throbbing headache since it's sitting right behind my right eye.
9. I haven't been able to decide which story to write next. I need to get RS,CF looked over and expanded out to novel length, but I haven't been able to convince myself to sit down to it. But I do have it printed out now, and will sit down to read it again this afternoon. I swear I'm going to make a start ... or maybe I should try get that Xmas story done ... or the eBay ones ... meh
10. Quite simply, I couldn't be shagged. Well, Mum always told us not to lie.
11. Whats for dinner? Ahhh, the eternal question. Which reminds me it's a Crockpot pot roast, I better go get it on!
12. My desk is a mess. Ahem, see 2. I didn't make it as far as 'my room'. Crap.
13. Moooom, I'm hungry/bored/tired/wanna go to the pool/insert favorite child nag here. Seriously, I need some happy drugs, I can't take it any more Jim, she's gonna blow!
    

13 absolutely, positively horrible Redneck pickup lines

Shamelessly swiped from elsewhere, because my brains feeling mushy tonight (but I've got an extra 2k on AW done, woo, go me!):


1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree and I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

And.... the most tackiest for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up!

13 Interesting Blogs

1. Daisy Dexter Dobbs - She's not an everyday blogger, but she's a very funny lady.
2. Hello, my name is Heather - I came across this blog as Heather designs lovely fabrics that I've sewn with. She's a laugh, and a very creative person. Beautiful photographer, too.
3. Dear Author - If you're a writer and not plugged into these ladies, you really need to be. Great source of information about all sorts of things about the industry, and if you're a reader an excellent review source.
4. EREC - This site is more author orientated. Keep an eye out for interesting industry commentary, info about publishers etc
5. Slouching toward Bethlehem to be drunk - This was a random, click on an icon cause I wonder who this is find. This is what I love about blogging, you find all sorts of interesting people and get a little taste of what their life is like.
6. Of course we can't forget the Bitchery - Smart Bitches, Trashy Books
7. TA Chase keeps us all hanging at his blog with his serialised stories. He's a m/m writer with a very vivid imagination (a dirty one too :) )
8. Threadbared - Snark for seamstresses.
9. Paperbackwriter - Lynn Viehl's blog is a new find for me, but it's very interesting.
10. It always amazes me what people will confess over at Post Secret. It also makes me realise, in the majority I've had a pretty good life. It's had it's drama of course, but not lately - maybe I need to weird it up a little?
11. I've no clue how I found this blog now, and it hasn't been updated in a while, but boypolar was good reading.
12. Rhian's started up her Monday Poetry Train. Rhi's one of those all around creative types with a finger in many a paint pot. I'm not a big poetry writer, but I'm going to get the pencil scratching and jump on and ride that train...ride it...crap now that songs going to be in my head all day.
13. Hey, I'll be a tad egotistical here, ME ... but you've already got me bookmarked ... right? No, well hit that bookmark button, then add Mandy, Jeanne and Isa to the list too!

TT #18 - Randomness

1. Is everyone as geekgirled out at the new Tabletop Computer as I am?
2. Why do iceblocks come on sticks but icecream in a cone? And why are iceblocks, well, blocks? Why not circles, or triangles, or octogons?
   
3. I just named our new kitten Chicken. FB tells me it's so off the wall it just might work. It's definitely going to be better than yelling out 'little black sunshine' in hearing of our coloured neighbours. I don't think they would wait around to here my 7yr old suggested the name since we have one cats thats light and one cat thats black and they like sitting in the sun.
4. Apparently I'm an Emo Goth Chick in middle class white womans clothing because I like both Evanesence and Fall Out Boy. I also have a side of hoochie momma as I've snapped up all Timbalands latest in explicit format.
5. Fresh Cherries are the BOMB. You can keep those fake glacé crap things that you get on top of your sundae. Though I think I might in a world of hurt a little later as I've managed to eat half a pound of them writing this TT.
6. Why is it you always miss a spot with the suntan lotion?
7. Would the world be a better place if they'd left the cocaine in the Coke-a-Cola?
8. How do they get white chocolate to be white? Are there special albino cocoa beans or something?(seems not) This musing came courtesy of my addiction to the special, imported from Europe white chocolate that I can only get at World Market
   
9. How did we know Violets were violet to call them Violets? Or were Violets Violet before they were violet?
10. On that note: Is it wrong to like boys who like boys who like girls who like boys who like boys and girls?
11. I think I might be having a fruit sugar rush, because 9 & 10 make perfect sense to me.
12. I am so jonesing for the new Transformers movie - I'll be dragging kiddo along on opening day. I have a totally inappropriate crush on Shia LaBeouf - he's all of 21 for goodness sake, I think that could get me arrested!
13. Damn, the cherries are calling again ... I wonder if I can do that tie the stalk in a knot thing? You know that could be a very sexy thing to have a character do, specially if its a man -- that would really make his girlie's eyes cross and her tongue hang out as she panted with lust -- or is that just a good idea cause the fruit sugars talking again?
    

TT #17 - 13 things about Jack, Craig, Wren, & Tea for Three

These are all things you won't learn in the book, yet came about when I was building their personalities:

• Jack loves to grow things - plants, flowers, trees ... the mold in the takeaway left overs in the bottom of his truck.
• If Wren had been a boy her name would have been Laurie.
• Craig has a black thumb, yet he can grow strawberries, a most temperamental fruit if ever there was one.
• Wren's girlfriends bought her a 'dirty' walking stick. Since it has a anatomically correct penis carved as it's handle, it tends to stay in the big pot she uses to hold her collection in. It can be quite the talking point when people come to visit.
• Jack won an award for the garden he has built up around their home, and it was photographed for NZ Home & Garden.
• Craig was the one who took the photographs for the magazine -- he's quite the talented amateur photographer.
• Wren crochets. Or at least she tries to. She can only make squares, which she turns into blankets that quickly become holey, not holy.
• Craig absolutely, positively loathes snails. When he was a kid he nearly ate one in his silverbeet. He hasn't eaten silverbeet since, and Jack now regularly pranks him with snails left in his shoes, the passengers seat of his car ... snuck into his underwear drawer.
• Jack has a lead foot, and talking his way out of a ticket down to a fine art. Craig is not so lucky.
• Wren doesn't know it, but her dad has found his second chance at love. And no that's not sequel bait :), well at least I don't think it is ...
• Other than the actual houses and characters businesses, all the places in the book really exist.
• Kinky Boots is a damn good movie. How can a movie about a drag queens ultimate red high heel, not be?
• T43 is set in my home town/s. Many, many parts of this book are closely based on my own experiences. I'll leave you to figure them out after you read the book.
• Some close friends asked to be written into a book. One of them made it this time around *wave*

13 strange headlines from the BBC

I now use NetNews Wire as my RSS feed handler. I have the BBC and the CNN news feeds on there, and everyday I get a giggle out of the headlines on the BBC feed.

Take a look at 13 headings that could mean something rather different than what they actually do:

1. Unisex Toilets to Tackle Bullies - Can you imagine being the guy with the ball when that back line came thundering (hehe thundering) down the field at you. No way would I want to take that hit!
2. Lords back Sex shop License Ban - Well this isn't out of a Regency Historical, is it now? No way those gentlemen would have been shutting down the doxyshop!
3. Malicious Code Rise Driven by Web - well damn, I knew the web was out to get me!
4. World Cup winner Ball dies at 61 - That ball's been around 61 years? Damn that piece of leather must be tired of being kicked around!
5. Anti-terror Raids - 6 questioned -- I know I shouldn't poke fun at this one, but there's some sloppy terrorists out there if the police can't even decided if they were terrorist raids or not!
6. Football: Ransom in Man City bid - Good God! There's a place called Man City and they have a football team taking bids - can they do that sort of thing? I thought the Chippendale's had that kind of thing all sewn up?
7. Review of Toddler Fight Sentences - Is this what we're reduced to? Kids that no longer bash each other with tonka trucks in the sandpit, instead cutting each other scathingly with pithy put downs?
8. Blair Rejects Leak Inquiry Call - Now, Now Mr Blair, thats no way to be treating Downing Street! Imagine how that plumber feels after being rejected.
   
9. Demonstrations for BBC's Johnston - Okay, I know it's one letter away from being truely funny, but still...snigger... they had to get a demonstration on how to use it!
   
10. Doctor Training Security Lapse - Sooooo... they aren't supposed to get any training then huh? Well crap, all those years and all that money, all for nothing?
11. Secret Filming Teacher Defended - I knew it. I knew those in captivity teachers wouldn't procreate if we filmed them!
12. Final Week Poll Push for Parties - hell yeah! Sign me up for the Party Poll!Paaartaaee!!
13. Cricket: Australia into World Final - this just isn't funny y'all... boooo, hissss! (They smacked down the Kiwis to get there).
    

13 Places not to get it on

Being an author and all, you have to come up with new and surprising venues for your characters to get down and dirty in. So I thought a list of places that would just be plain nasty to have sex in (versus good places to have nasty sex) might be a good list...

1. Gas Station Toilets - sorry, I don't care how hot to trot the two of you are - eek, Nasty germ alert!
2. On top of the frozen marble stone at Cold Stone Creamery (insert your local mix-in icecream shop) - No way, that marble is COLD, and I don't want to have to be unsticking my lady bits when they get frozen to the marble! Way too Dumb and Dumber for me!
   
3. Plastic Outdoor Chairs - There is a reason these things are cheap - they don't last long before they turn brittle, and your man really doesn't want a passel of plastic chips poking out his backside like a hedgehog! True story - hubby had a big (his emphasis not mine, the wuss!) knee operation. Showering was difficult, so we put one of the smaller plastic outdoor chairs in the shower stall so he could sit down and wash. Bad move - when that thing broke, it went with a big bang, and a girly shriek as hubbys prostrated leg went up, and his ass went down leaving the chair somewhere on his head.
4. Gloryholes both fascinate and scare me - you're placing a lot of trust in someone not to be standing there with a pair of hedgeclippers or a cokebottle...
5. Grandma's Bed - unless grandma is dead and buried...ewww...that's worse than doing it in your parents bed (though face it, who hasn't made out on Mum and Dad's bed - it's some sort of teenage rite of passage or something)
6. Office sex = good, Cubicle sex = bad. Can you imagine it, you're banging away like a dunny door in the wind (such a poetic turn of phrase there), then WHAM, one stray hand knocks a wall, which knocks a wall, which knocks a wall...cubicles, the dominoes of officeland just waiting for the right nudge to get them started toppling.
7. Church steps - I really don't think this would go down well in romanceland (and on this, bloggers, I speak from experience)
8. I've always wondered if you can fit two in one of those 'surprise birthday cakes'. That really would be a surprise for the groom if that bad baby came down and all you got to see was a naked hairy butt with the strippers legs wrapped around it!
9. I think drycleaners could be a bit of a dodgy place to try getting it on - imagine if something caught caught in one of those steam presses - it would definitely give new meaning to being flat out horny!
10. The sea. Of course love scenes in the ocean were around way before 9 1/2 weeks, but have you ever thought further than the waves pushing you gently/crashing you against one another, heightening your experience? Sand...phsaw... I'm thinking of slightly larger orifice invaders (tentacle sex anyone?), what about jellyfish, could you imagine a jellyfish sting on your hooha?
11. Vet sex has always been suspicious - with all those twigs and berries running around, I'm sure some cat has taken a swipe somewhere along the way. Didn't you read the signs, sir? Don't place any appendages in the cage, the animals have a tendancy to bite!
12. On a fence - well, one partner on a fence anyway. Again another personal experience (though not sexual) sitting on the top rail of a post and rail fence gets way tricky when you're drunk, unlike cats, humans don't have the ability to land right side up!)
13. Where your kids can catch you - eh, another true story. Playing horsey-rides has never been the same since...
    

The last 13 eBooks I've read

1. Jock Dorm: Vince and Drew
2. Kyriakis Curse
3. Go Fetch
4. Haleys Cabin
5. In a Heartbeat
6. King of Dragons, King of Men
7. Some Rough Edge Smoothing
8. Missing in Action
9. Nothing Personal
10. Vampire Vintage
11. Colorado Gold
12. Wolverine and the Rose
13. Acting like Family

13 Titles to choose from

I still haven't been able to make a decision.

Here' a rough blurb on McCabes 2:

Finding a woman beaten and broken in a dark parking lot wasn't the way David McCabe expected his night to end. It wasn't the way Kate had expected her night to go, either - beaten by an angry, vicious husband of one of the women she had helped at Liberty Haven one of the areas Women's Refuge. She also didn't expect to wake up in the hospital with a stranger holding her daughter, telling her she had no option but to go with him - not after everything she'd fought to be free of.

Can two bruised hearts let go of the past and make a new future?


Here are the new front runners, what do y'all think? My Front runners are marked with an *

1. To Spite the Past **
2. Despite the Past
3. Chrysalis **
4. Telling Truths **
5. Surviving the Past
6. New Day
7. Tough Love
8. Just Breathe **
   
9. Bruised Pasts **
10. Bruised Pasts Collide
11. Learning to Breath
    
12. Future Song
13. Broken Pasts **

13 pieces of purple prose - TT#12

Lets start with some classics:

• His hot and heavy manmeat
• Her overflowing honeypot
• His seed of life
• Her love chalice cried out to be the recipient of his seed of life
• And of course the always usable, shaft of love

Lets get a little more, umm... well take a read, you'll see:

• Raging tower of desire - anyone else wondering how on earth that's supposed to fit down there?
• Filled her with the hot wet tumult of his love (I filched that from here)
• Convulsion of bliss (well, some guys do make it look painful when they come!)
• He was ringing my bell - You can ring my be-e-ell, ring my bell
  
• And this one just sounds painful to me "He was going to bust a nut if he didn't get inside her hot box"
  
• Hitching on the Hershey highway - it was a guy who came up with this, no woman would ever defile chocolate in that manner!
• Making mouth music - play that flute baybee!
• Yodeling in the canyon of love

If you find one of these in any of my manuscripts please feel free to email me a slap upside the head - if I use one of these I'll need it to jump start my brain!

13 unusual search terms

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13 Bad Book Titles

Welcome to Thursday Thirteen #9 (I think?)

13 Bad book titles invented by Moi!

1. Well Hung - A how to manual on entrances and exits
2. The Wizards Wand and the Magic Va-jay-jay
3. Flight - The ins and outs of staying up
4. Ears, Nose and Deepthroat
5. The Secret Language of Flowers - Noxious Weed edition
6. Genuflection for Vampires
7. Beads and Bows - Grandma's Guide to Bondage
8. My European Shieks Poodles Secret Lovechild
9. Sweaty Socks - An expose of the hosiery industry
10. Epic Proportions - A discourse in the increase of Viagra usage
11. A Happy Ending - Tips and techniques for Theraputic Massage
12. Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down - Master Jack's instructions for stringing beans
13. Werewolves in Silver Spurs - The Pack goes to the Rodeo
    

13 ways in which your day could be worse

1. You and your dog have the same hair style because your anti frizz, frizzed.
2. You forget to scrub off the Agent Blue mouth rinse in your anti frizz frazzle, and its not till your first potty break that you realise every knows you didn't brush your teeth this morning.
3. Gum. Sit on it, stand on it, or your dog rolls on it - stick to peppermints.
   
4. Running out of gas while you're sitting in the queue at the lights - first in the queue at the lights!
5. Flat tires just plain suck. (Personal experience with this last weekend)
6. The Blue Screen of Death - if you don't know what this is count yourself lucky.
7. Followed quickly by a grinding, beeping, crunching noise as your hard drive dives into the river Styx.
8. When you realise with great pain and screaming that the last backup you made was six months ago, if ever.
9. Cow Pats. I don't care if you were so poor you jumped from cow pat to cow pat to keep your feet warm in winter Grandma, that's just gross! Though I have to say, dog crap smells worse.
10. You're not this guy:

    We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
    Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
    On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
    
    Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
    
    "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
    "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
    "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
    
    So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
    It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink, and at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
    
    Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
    
    When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
    If they only knew!
    

11. Getting half way through your morning granola then realising those little white things are moving.
12. Your most favourite coffee shop, the one that you religiously stop at every morning has been shut down for major health code violations, and the next nearest Java shop is five blocks behind you in the rush hour traffic snarl.
13. Your boss comes in late, looking like he's been dragged backward through a blackberry bush - His wife invited both sets of in laws to stay for a week; the kids are playing grandparent off grandparent to get more loot; and his wife just dropped the bombshell that she's pregnant, again.

No Midsummer Heat for me

Oh well, you have to be in to win, right?

I was however encouraged to expand the story and send it back. And they're right. Red Skirt, Cool Fountain really begged to be longer.

So I guess that's what I'll do. You know, I don't seem to be having much luck with shorter length stories. I think I might make a resolution - if its less than 25k, it doesn't go anywhere. (Well, other than the sequel I want to write for PV for next Xmas telling Nick's story, I don't think that's going to be a long one).

My trouble is that I can't plan for shit - well I can, but at the end, it's just not right. Instead, I sit down with a ghost of a story in my head and just start and see where it takes me. I guess that's organic writing, is it? I'm not exactly up with the play with all the writing jargon, I just write and figure it out as I go.

That wasn't what happened with McCabes2 - I planned it all out, and it didn't come off right. And instead of being on McCabes3 by now, I haven't sat back down to pick apart McCabes2 to send it back to B. But I will.

Hell I might do it this weekend while I'm away with the girls. It's supposed to be a scrapbooking weekend, but I usually take a book and the laptop (I'm a tech geek of course it goes with me! I don't do all that journaling by hand - are you kidding me?). But maybe I will conflab with the girls and get some inspiration.

Lucky there is no Internet at the cabin, there could be some wild and wacky blog posts come Sat night if there was - we usually have a daquari or colada or three. LOL, It sounds like I'm a rolling drunk, but seriously I'm not - I just appreciate that sometimes a good glass of wine or something enitely too fruity can be good for you :)

On a different note, I went all PC today and got one of these (it's a (PRODUCT) RED so part of the sales prices goes to fighting Aids in Africa) :

It's just a pity that the reason why I got this new piece of geekery was because of the little shits who stole my purdy green mini out of my bright orange Honda Element (aka The Pumpkin) - hrmm, I might wear black all the time but I like colour in my life, go figure! (the dayglow pink hair clashed a bit though).

They better watch out though, we are heartily sick and tired of the 'gift's' being left on our doorstep and front lawn, and the congregating on our driveway when we are out - we are getting spy cams. You bet your ass we are going to get the little fuckers.

Oops, ranting just a little bit wasn't I? Sorry 'bout that.

One of my sisters is a CP of mine (shes my 'average reader, this shit doesn't work for me' person). I had emailed Accidentally Were? off to her for an opinion. She IM'd me yesterday (or was it the day before, this week is a bit blurry - hence no TT 13 this week) and told me that she liked it - she hadn't finished what I had sent her yet, in fact she was only at chapter 3, but she was laughing so hard she had to stop reading so she didn't go to work looking like a racoon. That bodes well, because AW is supposed to be laugh out loud funny. Tell me what you think:

“Where are we going?” The small voice from the other side of the cab broke Rex from his reverie. “And why are we going there?” He was starting to smell her fear over the pervading scent of the woman’s heat.

“You are kidding me, aren’t you little Bitch. I’m taking you somewhere safe before the pack descends on you and you end up in the middle of a winner takes all orgy.”

It didn’t take any special were senses to feel or see her bristle with indignation.

“What did you just call me?” Her shoulders were back, her spine ramrod straight and there was a furious red flush across her cheeks and Rex was finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate on the dirt road as it wound through the forest. “You need your eye’s checked mister! For one, I am obviously not little, and two, I am not a bitch! You can accuse me of being overly prim and proper, because I am, I can’t help it with my parents. But don’t you ever call me a bitch!”

She was winding up good and proper now, to really yell at him. It was a breath taking sight to behold, and Rex was no slouch at appreciating an attractive woman, even if she was more riled than a rattlesnake.

“I let loose for one night, one bloody night in thirty-one years, and wake up alone; ‘cause my one night stand obviously couldn’t leave fast enough, four hickeys; complete with bite marks.” The tall lace collar of her blouse was ripped down to expose two of the fore-mentioned love bites. “Then, every damned stray in town wants to hump my leg, and now, now I have been kidnapped by a huge, sexy, bear of a man, who calls me a bitch instead of asking my actual name.” When Rex took his eyes off the road, he half expected her to be frothing at the mouth with her hair standing on end, and her nails ready to take a fresh strip from his hide.

Rex smiled at the straight laced she devil beside him. She thinks I’m s-e-x-y. Obviously the smarmy grin wasn’t appreciated, as she gritted her teeth and a rumbling growl echoed across the cab. Alpha male or not, you don’t mess with a bitch in heat. Not if you want to find your balls right where you left them. There was no way Rex was going to try stare her into submission; he turned his eyes back to the road.

Well, off to re-download my emo/goth/popchick/newage whale snorts/old rocker playlist - I'm nothing if not eclectic!
(PS keep an eye out for The Wreckers, they were todays download for me...And I might go get the rest of Daughtry's album - he's pretty damn good)

EDIT: What do you know, there are 13 paragraphs of randomness! I did make a TT13 after all!

AnneD's 13 steps to surviving your first ,and subsequent, release days

I blogged about Racy's NINJA (btw good book y'all, go get it!), and when I posted a congratulations on her blog, she emailed me back with a severe case of the "oh fuck, what have I done!'s"

She ask for my great, sage advice ( cause I'm an old pro at this of course, since I have done this...oh...once more than she has!) on how to cope with the fact the whole world knew she wrote, and she wrote erotic ninja romance - seriously, if you're a reader not a writer, there is a lot of "Ohmigawd, my grandma is going to know I know that she knows I know this stuff!" going on in your head. You really start to feel for that girl in the Exorcist.

So here was the cure I emaled (oops Freudian slip maybe?) to Racy:

Anne's cure for release day jitters:

1. Hop in car
2. Drive to the liquor store
3. Buy a large bottle of your preferred wine variety - Rieslings my flavour of the moment, and I can heartily recommend any Marlborough, NZ Savignon Blanc
4. Return home
5. Situate yourself in any of the following places
- in front of the fireplace
- in front of your open and often refreshed email and web browsers as you look for something - god knows what, but something!
- huddled under your covers as you contemplate the end of the world as you know it
6. Consume the entire bottle of wine and say some very weird and odd things to your SO, enough that he is still laughing about it next week
7. At this stage I should point out that fireplaces, glasses, wine bottles, small children and cats are extremely dangerous.
8. Wake up when its all over with a sore head that you can't shake in wonderment at how stupid you were the day before because it hurts too damn much
9. Despite your hangover, fire up the computer and hit the send/receive button.
10. When you hear the magic ding say "you've got male" (oops, another Freudian slip), close your eyes and hit the open button. Open your lashes one at a time until you can peek at the email that tell you that you're the superbest of the superbliest - fairly much, your story didn't stuck arse.
11. Dance around the room in a manner akin to a chicken being chased by a pig giving hubby more ammunition to arm him in smart retorts for months.
12. Get thyself to a nunne...umm...make that the bathroom, cause you forgot all about that hangover now, didn't you?! Then take the rest of the day off.
13. Now that you have run the gamut of all possible emotions from despair to unparallelled squee girl happiness, sit down at the computer and write so you can start the whole damn process over again next release day.