13 Places not to get it on

Being an author and all, you have to come up with new and surprising venues for your characters to get down and dirty in. So I thought a list of places that would just be plain nasty to have sex in (versus good places to have nasty sex) might be a good list...

1. Gas Station Toilets - sorry, I don't care how hot to trot the two of you are - eek, Nasty germ alert!
2. On top of the frozen marble stone at Cold Stone Creamery (insert your local mix-in icecream shop) - No way, that marble is COLD, and I don't want to have to be unsticking my lady bits when they get frozen to the marble! Way too Dumb and Dumber for me!
   
3. Plastic Outdoor Chairs - There is a reason these things are cheap - they don't last long before they turn brittle, and your man really doesn't want a passel of plastic chips poking out his backside like a hedgehog! True story - hubby had a big (his emphasis not mine, the wuss!) knee operation. Showering was difficult, so we put one of the smaller plastic outdoor chairs in the shower stall so he could sit down and wash. Bad move - when that thing broke, it went with a big bang, and a girly shriek as hubbys prostrated leg went up, and his ass went down leaving the chair somewhere on his head.
4. Gloryholes both fascinate and scare me - you're placing a lot of trust in someone not to be standing there with a pair of hedgeclippers or a cokebottle...
5. Grandma's Bed - unless grandma is dead and buried...ewww...that's worse than doing it in your parents bed (though face it, who hasn't made out on Mum and Dad's bed - it's some sort of teenage rite of passage or something)
6. Office sex = good, Cubicle sex = bad. Can you imagine it, you're banging away like a dunny door in the wind (such a poetic turn of phrase there), then WHAM, one stray hand knocks a wall, which knocks a wall, which knocks a wall...cubicles, the dominoes of officeland just waiting for the right nudge to get them started toppling.
7. Church steps - I really don't think this would go down well in romanceland (and on this, bloggers, I speak from experience)
8. I've always wondered if you can fit two in one of those 'surprise birthday cakes'. That really would be a surprise for the groom if that bad baby came down and all you got to see was a naked hairy butt with the strippers legs wrapped around it!
9. I think drycleaners could be a bit of a dodgy place to try getting it on - imagine if something caught caught in one of those steam presses - it would definitely give new meaning to being flat out horny!
10. The sea. Of course love scenes in the ocean were around way before 9 1/2 weeks, but have you ever thought further than the waves pushing you gently/crashing you against one another, heightening your experience? Sand...phsaw... I'm thinking of slightly larger orifice invaders (tentacle sex anyone?), what about jellyfish, could you imagine a jellyfish sting on your hooha?
11. Vet sex has always been suspicious - with all those twigs and berries running around, I'm sure some cat has taken a swipe somewhere along the way. Didn't you read the signs, sir? Don't place any appendages in the cage, the animals have a tendancy to bite!
12. On a fence - well, one partner on a fence anyway. Again another personal experience (though not sexual) sitting on the top rail of a post and rail fence gets way tricky when you're drunk, unlike cats, humans don't have the ability to land right side up!)
13. Where your kids can catch you - eh, another true story. Playing horsey-rides has never been the same since...
    

The Penis Pan

The Bunco Bitches have a little running joke. We have a penis cake pan, and each month the host is supposed to create a penis cake.

We picked it up at a toy party one night, and it just so appealed to our sense of absurd (well mine anyway, I know some cut way to happily into the cake with a sharp, sharp knife).

Shamelessly hooked from some Smart Bitches...

Check the sidebar links, I'm not being mean, they ARE Smart Bitches who read Trashy Books!

Romance at its finest

Thirteen ways to leave your lover...

Thursday thirteen #2

1. Send flowers - Dead Flowers. Nothing says it like flowers

2. Not a flowers kind of person, and prefer to send houseplants? How about a prickly cactus with a sweet love note saying "this is how I think of you in my heart".

3. Stand him up - the new millennium way. Make a date to meet him at a fancy restaurant, also arrange to meet your new love at the same place. Make as if you plan to sit at the table, but waltz on by, and greet your new love by draping your scantily clad body over his and lickin' his lips like hes candy on a stick. Don't gloat unless your new love is of the same sex - only then should you look over and smile and watch his/her dreams of the threesome going swirling down the drain.

4. Set him up on a date...with your gay best friend.

5. Pet allergies huh? Make your feelings known via the SPCA/Humane society, adopt a couple of furry friends and invite him/her over to watch the game/chick flick.

6. Lip gloss - the kind with the flavour he doesn't like. Eventually he will get the hint.

7. Rearrange their stuff. Hide his porn, or even more dastardly - the remote. Never fear, the gals get their comeuppance, too - use her favourite hairbrush on your dog, or that expensive face cream on your jock itch...you won't see her for dust!

8. The Silent Treatment - now this really only works on girls; you know how frustrated we get when you ignore us.

9. Go all Janice on his ass. Remember Janice, Chandler Bing's ex-girlfriend in Friends? And that annoying laugh, only just slightly beating out Nanny Fine's caterwauling? Develop a new annoying vocal habit, use it to good effect during the game. He'll be gone by half time and wont be back!

10. Buy a dildo...with a harness. Then ask him if you can drive tonight. If he says go for it, you might just have to think twice about getting rid of the guy!

11. Be a Momma's boy. When she goes all out with candles and fine food, tell her it doesn't taste as good as what your Momma makes. This is an extreme measure, be prepared to duck flying forks and plates used like a Frisbee.

12. Really want this girl out of your hair? Wear her panties. You might not want to go as far as her bra (they are uncomfortable SOB's), but no woman is going to take you walking around in her finest - especially when it looks better on you!

13. Just slip out the back, jack. Make a new plan, Stan. You don't need to be coy, Roy. Just get yourself free. Hop on the bus, Gus. You don't need to discuss much. Just drop off the key, lee. And get yourself free.

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Thank you, Mandy and Russell!

Who said a man with a bit of beef on his bones can't be sexy?

A Friday teaser

I have been trying out my shapeshifter wings :

The scent was sweeter than any fruit; soaking his senses, calling to him. He shoved his nose into the damp crevice where the glorious smell was strongest. Tasting the treat before him with his nose and his tongue, he edged his way slowly closer to the female that tantalized him so with her perfume.

She was what he had been seeking all these years. None of the other females had felt right, they hadn’t smelt right, but this one…this one was he had been waiting for. He wanted to dip his tongue into the delicious honey, wallow in her fragrance and mark her as his own.

“What the fuck?” Rex fell back onto his ass, pinching at his nose trying to stem the flow of blood as another clenched fist in front of a damn good right hook smashed into his cheek. “What the hell do you think you’re doing lady?”

He managed to get a hold of her wrist before she wound up for another strike and pulled her forward into his chest, landing them both on the floor with an “oomph”. Pearl landed perfectly nestled between his legs and across his chest. Rex flipped them over, his powerful and naked thighs falling either side of her hips holding her hands above her head as she struggled to get free.

“Get off me, you brute!” You brute? The woman was such a contradiction, Miss Manners one moment, then modern attitude and vernacular the next.

“ME? I’m a brute? Lady, I’m the one with a bleeding nose.” It didn’t matter that part of his dual nature was the ability to heal a lot fast than a normal human and his nose was now a slow ooze, not the gushing river it had been when he was shocked into changing back from his bear form. “What did I do to you to make you lash out like that? I might not have been Mr. Congeniality the way I bundled you up here - but I apologized - and I even changed just like you asked, why were you smacking me over the snout?”

Pulling one hand away, he poked at the cartilage running along the ridge of his nose, grimacing in one particularly sore spot. “I don’t think you broke it.”

The struggles had stopped, drawing his attention away from his injury and back to the woman lying supine beneath him. Her face was pale, but bursts of color brushed her cheeks and she panted shallowly. Following her gaze Rex realized he had transformed back sans clothing and now straddled her buck naked with a raging hard on.

“You’re...” Pearl cleared her throat making her breasts jiggle as well as heave from her panting. “…ah…you’re naked.” And turned on went unsaid, but acknowledged anyway.

“Yes, it does seem that way doesn’t it.” Quite an enviable state considering the circumstances, Rex thought to himself.

Pearl’s skirt rode up around her waist and she had lost a couple of buttons in the scuffle from that very puritan blouse she wore. His cock now rested, larger than it had ever been in its life, nestled into the V of Pearl’s legs and hips, framed by pretty blue lace hipster panties.

He wasn’t inclined to make haste and move off the lovely plump bundle who was struggling again. Rubbing her mons up along his dick as she tried to buck him loose, straining the remaining buttons of her blouse until another popped and the bra matching the panties lay exposed.

Like a bear to honey, Rex couldn’t hold back any longer. In both forms she was like nectar, and he wasn’t on any sort of diet. Leaning down he ran the slightly stubbly edge of his cheek along the now exposed nape of her neck, scenting her, marking her with his own. He nipped at the bruise on her shoulder with his canines extended drawing a heated gasp as he ground down with his hips giving pleasure with the pain of the bite.

Despite his brain feebly telling him to stop, nature took a hold, pushing logical thought to the side, letting the instinct to mate with a suitable female prowl his consciousness. The smell of fear was easily overridden as he felt moisture seep through the lace, dampening his skin.

Laving the bite mark he heard small whimpers of pleasure from Pearl, the woman his beast recognized as his mate, the woman who would bear his cubs and be his to protect. Unable to suppress a groan he took her mouth roughly with his kiss. The smooth heat of her lips slid over his as she opened to him, caressing his thrusting tongue with her own as she invited him into her body, mimicking the thrusts of his hips against hers.

Thirteen things about laughter...

Thirteen Things about Laughter

1. It gives you wrinkles - in a good way.

2. Laughter really is the best medicine - Laughter, along with an active sense of humor, may help protect you against a heart attack, according to a recent study by cardiologists at the University of Maryland Medical Center in Baltimore.

3. Stressed? Go sit in a playground and listen to the kids laughing and find the joy in laughter.

4. Endorphins - Laughter can be as good as sex!

5. Talking about sex...everyone has the odd squelch now and then - don't be ashamed, laugh about it - imagine how much better all the extra endorphins from #4 will make your orgasm!

6. Love = Laughter, if you can't laugh together, what have you got?

7. Did you know that dogs and rats laugh?

8. Laughter is a great work out - so get working on that six pack!

9. Want a better nights sleep? Get in some laughter before nighty night time, and those bedbugs won't be keeping you awake.

10. Who would have thunk it, you can actually get Clown Therapy!

11. Freud...ah Freud where would our psyches be without him "Laughter is an "economical phenomenon" whose function is to release "psychic energy" that has been wrongly mobilised by incorrect or false expectations." Do you have any idea what that means? I don't.

12. Laughter even made it to the Internet - LOL!

13. Just remember; if you can't laugh at yourself, everyone else will.


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

We have a winner!

And no, I'm not saying that in that snarky "winna" tone of voice.

Joyce, come on down...! Hrmm...I don't know I will be adding wheel of fortune to my list of day jobs.

Joyce is the winner of the Lemax Ornament giveaway and a copy of Position Vacant, if she doesn't have one already.

Toni. H. is the surprise recipient of a free copy of either Persuading Jo or Position Vacant. It's Christmas, ya'll, I'm feeling all season'y and stuff! (Season'ee not seasoned!)

Congratulations ladies, and thank you to everyone who was in to win!

I found something else to procrastinate with..

Ya'll HAVE to get a read of this. Good God (or Science as a favourite blogger of mine says)

Purple Prose Parody

I had stop reading, I couldn't see the screen for the tears, and I was scaring the cat!

While the cats away...

This mouse has been doing feck all, really.

You would think with hubby out of town (how nice for some to get to spend a week in Costa Mesa CA!), I would have the place ship shape and bristol fashion, the washing done, the dishes sparkling, and thousands of words written...you might think that.

I could easily disabuse you of that notion though.

Where have my days gone? Eppie reading for one...eh, my eyes are still square from that (reminder for next year offer for a few less entries to read), oh, I baked a cake...well technically I baked one cake (gingerbread from Slivia Violets Passionate Kitchen blog) and one slice (brownie for the USA folk)...mmm sultana slice, damn I love that stuff!

Oooh, I had a pedi...and, I think, an orgasm..just a little tiddly mini one. I was talking to the lady saying we had been doing our floors and my knees were kaput, and since I wasnt having the fancy smancy pedi she gave me this absolutely lower leg and knee massage. OHMIGAWD! It was so cruel to make me get up afterwards and walk. How dare they! Lets say the lady got a very generous tip! FB will like the pretty red toes when he gets back from CA - he has a bit of a thing for toes/feet...when they arent all cracked and hory looking that is.

See, I have all that polishing, and shining, and cleaning to do, and yet again I am here procrastinating. I so suck at being a housewife. I would never get a good recommendation from my boss...what a way to mar my glowing work record :(


PS don't forget to sign up to my mailing list to get in to win the Lemax Christmas Ornaments on the 12th.

Cookies or Pie?

In the great tradition of BorsBoards...

Cookies


or



Pie?


The great ages old debate!

The stress!

You would think the stress of editing, deadlines, promotions and all the rest would give anyone a severe headache, right?

Wrong, I have found something worse - my child's classroom Christams Party (although we aren't allowed to call them parties and its holiday or winter not Christmas - I'm not religious, but damn, this is getting a touch PC isn't it?).

Why the hell did I volunteer for this shite? Oh, thats right, I am a sucker for punishment and I like to entertain (something that has been significantly curtailed since we came to the States). You might think a house full of 30 adults a daunting task. They ain't got nothin' on 17 6-yr olds!

If you don't hear from me after the 19th of Dec, you know they hated my party planning and stoned me to death with gingerbread cookies and buried me under the playground. Please send the police...

Position Vacant Ornament Giveaway

Photos!

Yes I know, long time in coming, but I decided I wanted to hunt out something more than just Santa ornaments. Something that really reflected Position Vacant. And I am glad I did!

These two ornaments represent Position Vacant so well it's spooky!

If you have read the excerpt on the Position Vacant page (you can find it under the booklist tab on my website annedouglas.com) you will know Nick is the master toy designer. So what would be better than Santa's Toy Works?

I also make comment about Dancer and Prancer being rather aptly named...only I could make two of Santa's Reindeer gay. So when I found the ornament that has two reindeer dancing and prancing, I chortled with glee and bundled it in the cart! (They plug in FYI, the workshop lights up and the reindeer...well..dance and prance!

Sex gone awry

I have a few author blogs that I keep up with - Isabella Snow's Smut in G minor is one of them. Recently she made a post about your folks getting jiggy with it.

It made me think of an experience, not involving my parents, but me, as a parent.

Imagine if you will, getting a little morning nooky in, presumably before kiddo is up and awake. Things are going along, as they do, heading for a climactic conclusion, when whomph! Hubby body slams you and knocks all the wind out of you (really it wasn't welcomed at the time, erotic asphyxia I am not into!). Then the unholiest of all sounds peals out around the room, "Giddy up horsey, giddy up!", along with the corresponding sounds of little boy feet pounding into the sides of his fathers back, and his boney little bottom digging its way into the exposed soft flesh of my husbands lower back as he bounces up and down, urging his horsey to go faster and win the race!

Talk about giving a four year old horsey rides around the house coming back to bite you on the ass...bad pun not intended!

Meanwhile, poor ol'me, being on the bottom of the pile is having an extremely hard time breathing...what between the laughter and the impacts on my sternum from hubby being slammed down, repeatedly, in search of the finish line.

It's a pity it wasn't quite the finish line we were aiming for...

You know, there is a book in there somewhere!