13 Christmas Funnies

I know I've been a bad bad blogger, and I'm sure your all thinking I'm Ms Flakey because there's been no blog serial updates either. I'll plead burn out and the fact that my mother is here from NZ, so I've ended up in a horrid, horrid cycle of cleaning and organising. It's scary, scary stuff I tell you!

So something to make you laugh...some are old, but still funny :)

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The Demise of Doug

I went looking for something else to compare poor old Doug (as someone termed him) to, and as I was about to shoot a picture of Doug beside a baseball bat I was overcome by the ridiculousness of it all. I mean that was my plan, but really ... twelve inches? 12.

For any guy carrying that around in his pants I feel bad for you. I've been carrying around the breast equivalent for a few years now, and I can safely say it's no walk in the park - finding underwear's a bitch, seriously. Blue balls would be a reality for a guy not strapped down nice and tight who decided to do something, say like .... trampolining.

I think I need to start an internet protest to point out to all the erotica and erotic romance authors that 10"+ is really and truly overkill in the dick department. It's fantasy, sure, but surely, somewhere along the line physics has to come into play?

Every time I'm bowling along and come to the paragraph where the hero flops out his prodigious pecker I laugh. I can't help it. The story, no matter how good/serious/weepy, assumes a comedic overtone in my head and can't be saved.

Seriously, do these authors have a partner who's on the short side of the statistical 5.5" and are over compensating? Because if they are, I'm happy to pony up the cash to mail Doug to them for a trial run so they can get their dimensional delusions under control. I understand the male authors a little better I think, because at least they don't know what it's like to have the appendage equivalent of a watermelon shoved up there, they can still live out their "I'm the man with the enormous dick" fantasies. But surely the everyday female would think twice? (Though I will make allowances for the 'size queens' among us who think bigger is better.)

8 or 9 inches seems plenty big enough when I take out a ruler and measure. I mean 10" hits my rib cage, 12" would give new mean to that whole "feel me in your throat" thing, now wouldn't it?

And it's bigger

Than two rolls of toilet paper stacked end on end...


though I will admit it's a little closer if you take away the balls...

LOL NEWS

Couple call out cops to release sex-shop handcuffs
New 8:36AM Friday August 24, 2007

An embarrassed Auckland couple had to make an emergency call to police last night to remove handcuffs they bought from a sex shop.

The man and woman, reported to be fully dressed, had put on the handcuffs after buying them that day.

They then found they could not take them off again and dialled 111.

A police spokesman said today there was a problem with the locking mechanism and a key was not needed to free the couple.

"There was nothing sinister to it. It was a light-hearted moment," he said.

He was unsure if the handcuffs were fur lined.

- NZPA

*SNORT*

To brighten up your Monday:

Vibrator robber jailed over raid

Jex concealed the sex toy in a carrier bag, pretending it was a gun
A robber who held up a bookmaker's shop in Leicester with his girlfriend's vibrator has been jailed.
Nicki Jex, 27, of Braunstone, Leicester, hid the sex toy in a carrier bag pretending it was a gun, Leicester Crown Court heard.

The manager at Ladbrokes in Narborough Road handed over more than £600 in cash when he pointed it at her on 27 December 2006, the court heard.

On Monday, Jex, who pleaded guilty to robbery, was jailed for five years.

Sentencing him, Judge Philip Head said: "It's right to record that you did not have a firearm but you pretended you had and intended that those you confronted believed that you did, and it must have been truly terrifying for them at the time." . . .

And this which takes me back to the days when all these songs were king!:

TT #18 - Randomness

1. Is everyone as geekgirled out at the new Tabletop Computer as I am?
2. Why do iceblocks come on sticks but icecream in a cone? And why are iceblocks, well, blocks? Why not circles, or triangles, or octogons?
   
3. I just named our new kitten Chicken. FB tells me it's so off the wall it just might work. It's definitely going to be better than yelling out 'little black sunshine' in hearing of our coloured neighbours. I don't think they would wait around to here my 7yr old suggested the name since we have one cats thats light and one cat thats black and they like sitting in the sun.
4. Apparently I'm an Emo Goth Chick in middle class white womans clothing because I like both Evanesence and Fall Out Boy. I also have a side of hoochie momma as I've snapped up all Timbalands latest in explicit format.
5. Fresh Cherries are the BOMB. You can keep those fake glacé crap things that you get on top of your sundae. Though I think I might in a world of hurt a little later as I've managed to eat half a pound of them writing this TT.
6. Why is it you always miss a spot with the suntan lotion?
7. Would the world be a better place if they'd left the cocaine in the Coke-a-Cola?
8. How do they get white chocolate to be white? Are there special albino cocoa beans or something?(seems not) This musing came courtesy of my addiction to the special, imported from Europe white chocolate that I can only get at World Market
   
9. How did we know Violets were violet to call them Violets? Or were Violets Violet before they were violet?
10. On that note: Is it wrong to like boys who like boys who like girls who like boys who like boys and girls?
11. I think I might be having a fruit sugar rush, because 9 & 10 make perfect sense to me.
12. I am so jonesing for the new Transformers movie - I'll be dragging kiddo along on opening day. I have a totally inappropriate crush on Shia LaBeouf - he's all of 21 for goodness sake, I think that could get me arrested!
13. Damn, the cherries are calling again ... I wonder if I can do that tie the stalk in a knot thing? You know that could be a very sexy thing to have a character do, specially if its a man -- that would really make his girlie's eyes cross and her tongue hang out as she panted with lust -- or is that just a good idea cause the fruit sugars talking again?
    

Catch up

No not Ketchup, catch up. Besides it's called tomato sauce anyway :)

I've not been blogging a whole lot this week as I've been working hard on my WIP ... along with actually doing the housework I've been putting off for far too long.

Accidentally Were is a 24k and climbing, I haven't got to the mystical woo-woo part yet so I'm thinking that I'm going to end up around 40-50k before I start editing and cutting and adding. Of course since I'm notorious for not using contractions, there's 1000 words that disappear right there. Tell me, in this little scene that I'm penning this afternoon, have I gone overboard with the euphemisms? (assuming I have that right, euphemism that is, and I have a feeling I am wrong.) :

(this is VERY much unedited at the moment folks)

When he pushed her back up against the side of his truck her little angry growls stopped and a low sexy rumble started up instead. “I wasn’t sure there for a second, but I think you were right, this is a damn good idea.”
Rex barely had time to brace himself before Pearl climbed her way up his body and wrapped her legs around his waist. As he wasn’t quite balanced they fell back against the truck with a panel-popping thud that pressed Pearl up against him like she was a stripper and he was the pole. Quite apt really considering his dick felt like a bloody steel bar.
Pearl’s hands were wound through his hair again; holding him tight as she fairly ate at his lips. Pearl made a cacophony of sound as she mewled and groaned as she rode his cock like a cowboy on a prize bull determined to make it to eight seconds. She tore her mouth away and shouted to the sky, “Yes! More, just like that!” and Rex had to wonder what the hell alien had taken over the woman who was usually so uptight and proper she’d make a Mongrel Mob member quake in his boots for being to loud in a library.

Tea for Three's release is a little over a week away now. We should be getting everything finalized this weekend, so it will be nice to get that out of the way until the Monday before release day when I'll sit up late obsessively refreshing the screen until the new releases are posted -- and don't think I wont!

I've got a release out, a sub being read (do you know hard it is to sit on your fingers and not email "Have you read it yet, whaddya think" to your editor?), and I've been trying to make a decision about a national print ad -- I'm not usually one to stress and obsess, but trying to break my caffeine addiction (I'm failing I might add), has me a little twitchy :).

BUT ... I put that twitchiness to good use and I now have clean floors. Eh, which reminds me I need to go finish off the bathroom, bugger!

13 Warning labels from Samhain that made me laugh

I shop a bit at Samhain, and someone over there has a sense of humor that tickles my funny bone:

1. Warning, this title contains the following: explicit sex, graphic language, mad seduction schemes, and the hard fall of a drop dead sexy hunk.
2. Warning: This title contains the following: lots of explicit sex, going strong long after the cows come home, graphic language that’d make your mama blush, light bondage with bullropes, ménage a trois, and – yee-haw! – hot nekkid cowboy man-love.
3. Warning this title contains the following: somewhat explicit love scenes, drunken earls, irritating relatives and bathing activities that leave the floor wet and the hero and heroine exhausted.
4. Warning, this title contains the following: more sexual tension than you can shake a stick at…
5. Warning: This title contains the following: Wahoo Sex and Wash-Your-Mouth Language (Explicit Sex and Graphic Language)
6. Warning, this title contains the following: explicit sex, graphic language, ménage a trois, violence, hot nekkid man-love.
7. Warning, this title contains the following: hot, explicit sex, graphic violence and language, and is not for the faint of heart!
8. Warning, this title contains the following, explicit sex, graphic terms for body parts, torture via silk stockings, a little spanking, and shower and office sex.
9. Warning: This book contains violence, unruly Faeries, scary sea creatures, evil queens, graphic sexual content and language.
10. Warning, this title contains the following: explicit neon sex, graphic language, and violence.
11. Warning: Explicit, hanging from the chandeliers style sex
12. Warning, this title contains guns, swearing, dark thoughts about cheerful people, incomprehensible Britishisms, and painful sarcasm.
13. Warning, this title contains the following: violence, cannibalism, disturbing concepts and subversive ideas. Exposure to this novel will result in your immediate termination for reasons of national security.

Double teamed!

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Sunday Morning Blooper

I was checking over my myspace page this morning--I need to update for the new book cover--and I saw I had 'new invites'. They were from a couple of authors, and were basically new release info, saying my new book is avail now.

Little 'ol me thought I can do this! So I went la la la la la May 29th, ah huh ah huh, click on all the members of that friends list to add them to the invite list and pressed the button.

DOH! It sends the invite off now, there's no save draft or send on x date button. CRAP! So 145 odd people are going to get a myspace invite from me this morning thats going to be verra'confusing!

Oh well, guess I just gave them advance warning :) ROFL!

EDIT: The LI authors are chatting at LoveRomancesCafe today - seems my technological skills have taken the day off--I can't seem to get a post to go right there, either!! One has no images, One has images and no text, the other has images, and some text (who know where the rest went!) grrr!

I think today might have just morphed into 'forget the computer, just go do the housework day'.

But Miss, the cat ate my homework...

13 Places not to get it on

Being an author and all, you have to come up with new and surprising venues for your characters to get down and dirty in. So I thought a list of places that would just be plain nasty to have sex in (versus good places to have nasty sex) might be a good list...

1. Gas Station Toilets - sorry, I don't care how hot to trot the two of you are - eek, Nasty germ alert!
2. On top of the frozen marble stone at Cold Stone Creamery (insert your local mix-in icecream shop) - No way, that marble is COLD, and I don't want to have to be unsticking my lady bits when they get frozen to the marble! Way too Dumb and Dumber for me!
   
3. Plastic Outdoor Chairs - There is a reason these things are cheap - they don't last long before they turn brittle, and your man really doesn't want a passel of plastic chips poking out his backside like a hedgehog! True story - hubby had a big (his emphasis not mine, the wuss!) knee operation. Showering was difficult, so we put one of the smaller plastic outdoor chairs in the shower stall so he could sit down and wash. Bad move - when that thing broke, it went with a big bang, and a girly shriek as hubbys prostrated leg went up, and his ass went down leaving the chair somewhere on his head.
4. Gloryholes both fascinate and scare me - you're placing a lot of trust in someone not to be standing there with a pair of hedgeclippers or a cokebottle...
5. Grandma's Bed - unless grandma is dead and buried...ewww...that's worse than doing it in your parents bed (though face it, who hasn't made out on Mum and Dad's bed - it's some sort of teenage rite of passage or something)
6. Office sex = good, Cubicle sex = bad. Can you imagine it, you're banging away like a dunny door in the wind (such a poetic turn of phrase there), then WHAM, one stray hand knocks a wall, which knocks a wall, which knocks a wall...cubicles, the dominoes of officeland just waiting for the right nudge to get them started toppling.
7. Church steps - I really don't think this would go down well in romanceland (and on this, bloggers, I speak from experience)
8. I've always wondered if you can fit two in one of those 'surprise birthday cakes'. That really would be a surprise for the groom if that bad baby came down and all you got to see was a naked hairy butt with the strippers legs wrapped around it!
9. I think drycleaners could be a bit of a dodgy place to try getting it on - imagine if something caught caught in one of those steam presses - it would definitely give new meaning to being flat out horny!
10. The sea. Of course love scenes in the ocean were around way before 9 1/2 weeks, but have you ever thought further than the waves pushing you gently/crashing you against one another, heightening your experience? Sand...phsaw... I'm thinking of slightly larger orifice invaders (tentacle sex anyone?), what about jellyfish, could you imagine a jellyfish sting on your hooha?
11. Vet sex has always been suspicious - with all those twigs and berries running around, I'm sure some cat has taken a swipe somewhere along the way. Didn't you read the signs, sir? Don't place any appendages in the cage, the animals have a tendancy to bite!
12. On a fence - well, one partner on a fence anyway. Again another personal experience (though not sexual) sitting on the top rail of a post and rail fence gets way tricky when you're drunk, unlike cats, humans don't have the ability to land right side up!)
13. Where your kids can catch you - eh, another true story. Playing horsey-rides has never been the same since...
    

Of all the....

Monday is my 'help out in the classroom' morning at school. I get to do reading with the kids, general dogsbody stuff for the teacher and all that fun stuff.

Today wasn't so bad, there was a music display this morning that took up most of the morning - how bad is this I can't remember the bands name Calypso Sounds? eek. Anyway, all about drums, kettle drums to be more particular. All about the story of how they came to be on the islands of Trinidad and Tobago - drums and tamboo being banned because of incited violence, which eventually lead to the development of kettle drums. It was quite interesting, and I have to say with only 4 guys they made such a rich, alive sound full all sorts of melodies and rhythms. Not a bad way to start a Monday Morning.

Anyway, back to the original ...Of all the... remember me saying I get to be general dogsbody - well this mornings plebeian task was pencil sharpening. Should be an easy task for a writer such as Moi, would you not think?

I have a blister...a frickin BLISTER on my thumb. No I wasn't using a little, bitty sharpener, it was one of those industrial teacher editions that get screwed to the desk (or wall in this case). Its the devils work I'm sure, I mean the sharpener and I should be all copacetic and shit, right?

Seems not according to the 1/2 inch blister on the side of my thumb - my right thumb, on my right handed self...meh! Right on the space bar spot.

My editor, the lovely B, is keen and fired up for me to get Accidentally Were? finished (I put it aside to work on McCabes2 while I had the Making Out vibe going), but I'm seriously thinking this blister is a sign from the writing gods, muses, and computer faeries that today is not the day to blow off the wedding dress alterations and knuckle back into AC. Though, I seriously can't work up an appetite to do the alterations either. I hate alterations, and I hate wedding dress alterations for people I know. It's just too stressful.

Maybe I should just go get a mani-pedi instead?

Pet Meme

Over at EREC today Meowmies has her review up. This was quite a fun idea of Emily's, to have our pets do a review.

Here's a copy :


Meow Bloggers.

My Humans address me with the inglorious name of Meowmies, on other days the slightly more regal Puss Puss Mao Mao… sometimes just plain old 'get out of my way you damn Cat'.

You, on the other hand, may call me Princess.

One of my humans has this little past time that equally amuses and frustrates her. I can't fathom it myself; I'd rather spend my time lazing in my box with my favourite blanket, or racing around the house chasing fairies, elves and other figments of my imagination while generally acting deranged, but I digress.

My human -- she goes by the name Anne Douglas some days -- has been busy tapping away at that plastic thing with all those buttons lately, and forgetting all about petting me and just shoving me out of the way of this box thing with the pretty lights. She says she's busy writing -- me, I just think she's a little insane. Not too much though, after all, a Princess as pretty as me can't be associating with those weird, schizophrenic types now can she?

I did notice though, that under this comfy pile of odd assorted paperwork there's a folder with lots of black squiggles and pencil marks - paw prints are much more aesthetically pleasing, by the way -- my human says this is her next book, Tea for Three. I've heard her talking about it, and some say cats are promiscuous - there's men and women and they're all doing some late night caterwauling, together, if you get my drift.

She seems to have a 'thing' for making up stories about guys who love guys who love girls that love guys who love girls and guys - I hope that made as much sense to you as it did to me.

I can't read to give you a blow by blow -- Puuleeease…I'm a cat, of course I can't read. (I've contracted my memoirs out to these lizards -- Loowis and Loosey -- I promised a ceasefire on their gecko cousins in the back yard in payment…again I'm digressing; my human has a habit of this too).

So…I can't read, but I do have ears and whooeee! I can tell you those aforesaid appendages get to burning when she starts muttering passages to herself. She just finished up this little story call Making Out - some Rites of Spring thing where these guys (and a girl, lucky her!) that were in her first book showed up again -- there was a truck, and some sex, and some cops…

I better not tell you too much though, Princess needs a new bowl of cat food so I better not let the dog off the leash and tell you how it ends, My human has to pay the bills somehow! Though I will say hot, hot, hot.

Did I mention Hot? And it's not just cause I wear real fur in Florida.

I must run, daaarlinks, I sense a new piece of furniture I must go scratch at.