Wednesday, April 04, 2007

13 Places not to get it on

Being an author and all, you have to come up with new and surprising venues for your characters to get down and dirty in. So I thought a list of places that would just be plain nasty to have sex in (versus good places to have nasty sex) might be a good list...

  1. Gas Station Toilets - sorry, I don't care how hot to trot the two of you are - eek, Nasty germ alert!
  2. On top of the frozen marble stone at Cold Stone Creamery (insert your local mix-in icecream shop) - No way, that marble is COLD, and I don't want to have to be unsticking my lady bits when they get frozen to the marble! Way too Dumb and Dumber for me!
  3. Plastic Outdoor Chairs - There is a reason these things are cheap - they don't last long before they turn brittle, and your man really doesn't want a passel of plastic chips poking out his backside like a hedgehog! True story - hubby had a big (his emphasis not mine, the wuss!) knee operation. Showering was difficult, so we put one of the smaller plastic outdoor chairs in the shower stall so he could sit down and wash. Bad move - when that thing broke, it went with a big bang, and a girly shriek as hubbys prostrated leg went up, and his ass went down leaving the chair somewhere on his head.
  4. Gloryholes both fascinate and scare me - you're placing a lot of trust in someone not to be standing there with a pair of hedgeclippers or a cokebottle...
  5. Grandma's Bed - unless grandma is dead and buried...ewww...that's worse than doing it in your parents bed (though face it, who hasn't made out on Mum and Dad's bed - it's some sort of teenage rite of passage or something)
  6. Office sex = good, Cubicle sex = bad. Can you imagine it, you're banging away like a dunny door in the wind (such a poetic turn of phrase there), then WHAM, one stray hand knocks a wall, which knocks a wall, which knocks a wall...cubicles, the dominoes of officeland just waiting for the right nudge to get them started toppling.
  7. Church steps - I really don't think this would go down well in romanceland (and on this, bloggers, I speak from experience)
  8. I've always wondered if you can fit two in one of those 'surprise birthday cakes'. That really would be a surprise for the groom if that bad baby came down and all you got to see was a naked hairy butt with the strippers legs wrapped around it!
  9. I think drycleaners could be a bit of a dodgy place to try getting it on - imagine if something caught caught in one of those steam presses - it would definitely give new meaning to being flat out horny!
  10. The sea. Of course love scenes in the ocean were around way before 9 1/2 weeks, but have you ever thought further than the waves pushing you gently/crashing you against one another, heightening your experience? Sand...phsaw... I'm thinking of slightly larger orifice invaders (tentacle sex anyone?), what about jellyfish, could you imagine a jellyfish sting on your hooha?
  11. Vet sex has always been suspicious - with all those twigs and berries running around, I'm sure some cat has taken a swipe somewhere along the way. Didn't you read the signs, sir? Don't place any appendages in the cage, the animals have a tendancy to bite!
  12. On a fence - well, one partner on a fence anyway. Again another personal experience (though not sexual) sitting on the top rail of a post and rail fence gets way tricky when you're drunk, unlike cats, humans don't have the ability to land right side up!)
  13. Where your kids can catch you - eh, another true story. Playing horsey-rides has never been the same since...


14 comments:

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

LOVE it, Anne!

Man, I miss those days of wild abandon...

Wylie Kinson said...

ROTF!!
Did it on a stone fence once. Not to bad, a bit (ahem) HARD, but otherwise, okay :)

'Scuse my ignorance, but what's a Gloryhole??

Janie Hickok Siess, Esq. said...

Uffda! There was the laundry room of my apartment building . . . but never mind. I'm not telling that story!

tvaddictgurl said...

Very funny list!

Cubicle sex made me think of "Office Space" and when Ron Livingston pushes the wall of his cubicle over.

Danielle said...

So funny
Happy TT

Nicole Austin said...

Great TT! Although, I have to say (from experience) sea sex can be very nice. ;)

Rhian / Crowwoman said...

OMG! Laughed my ass off!! The Glory Holes one especially...i've wondered that myself.

Michelle Cary said...

ROFLMAO. This was a great list and very accurate. Love the one about the Vet. OUCH!!!

Dayna_Hart said...

I'm not sharing my real life ones. Um. just no...BUT Thank you. This was hysterical.

and...er...sorry. ;)

Daisy Dexter Dobbs said...

Oh dear God, Anne, this list was hysterical. Honestly, I don't know how the hell I'm going to go back to the sex scene I was writing and keep a straight face after reading this.

Michelle Hasker said...

Loved your list Anne. So much I made my cousin read it LOL

Great!

Anne Douglas said...

Glad I'm giving everyone a laugh - especially at the heapin'helpin' of speelling mistikes! ACK, pays not to be trying to finish things off in a hurry so you can go get some nooky with hubby on the new bed only to BREAK IT!...oops!

scooper said...

#6 is hilarious! I can picture that and imagine the embarrassment.

Jill said...

This is hilarious!!
But poor hobbit of yours, that should have hurt as hell!!
You don't have a video of your drunken self falling down the fence???
Happy TT!