13 Christmas Funnies

I know I've been a bad bad blogger, and I'm sure your all thinking I'm Ms Flakey because there's been no blog serial updates either. I'll plead burn out and the fact that my mother is here from NZ, so I've ended up in a horrid, horrid cycle of cleaning and organising. It's scary, scary stuff I tell you!

So something to make you laugh...some are old, but still funny :)

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13 reasons you should help me with my blog experiment

Just why you should leave me a comment giving me some ideas for my interactive blog serial story.

1. You can't get enough 'I fell in love with the sheik and am having his love child stories' - Seriously, I'd work with that!
2. You can vicariously live out your fantasies of having the heroine make out with a guy call Eunice.
3. To make sure I don't add in ehxtra h's or mh'ss a few v'w'ls - did ya see that? I got an h and a miss vowel in the same word!
4. This is your chance to explore your wildest mail man fantasies
5. Or, of course, your geek gets the hot cheerleader ones
6. Though I do put my foot down at the geek and his hawtness invention romances - no dick drive slots here thank you. (there is a story behind the 'dick drive', I must tell y'all one day, or better yet, make a graphic)
   
7. Ever since Mrs Doubtfire you've wanted to use the name Euphegenia (hey, anyone noticing the weird E name trend here?)
8. Who needs a hot latin lover, when we could have a short, swarthy eskimo instead? Just imagine all the hot, melt-the-igloo lovin'...
9. Here's your chance to prove me wrong, and that Doug is really the primo size at 12". Hell, throw in a double, triple penis even, just for kicks!
10. Guys with green skin and purple polka dots are you thing - well write it down, who knows I might just be able to work it in there.
11. You really want to read a story about the new generation of paranormal shifters - no panthers, lions or wolves here, lets talk duckies, squirrels and armadillos.
    
12. I mean, how often is it you get the opportunity to screw with my head by suggesting totally outrageous ideas I have to work with
13. It's fun - and I'll do my best with what I'm given to make it a sexy, sexy read :)

13 Things a 12" dildo could be used for...

An x rated Thursday 13:

13 things you could use a 12" dildo for...

1. A doorstop - more specifically for the bedroom. One look at that baby and you'd either be hot to trot, or develop a constant, vicious "headache"
2. A book end - buy a second one, maybe one that vibrates and set them either side of your erotica collection
3. Hammer nails - After all, 'His cock was hard enough to hammer nails' has to be used copiously in romance novels for a reason
4. A rolling pin - it's about the right size, and all that veining would give your pastry a lovely textured finish
5. Which leads into: Back Massager. A little bit of lotion, a little bit of elbow grease ... YOUR BACK, people, your back ... sheesh, all your minds are in the gutter!
   
6. A dog chew toy - all that rubbery goodness, and it's the perfect size to fit a big, slobbery doggy mouth around
7. That suckers heavy, you can use it in your daily exercise regime as a hand weight - thought it's that damn long you could use two and wrap them around an ankle for a leg weight and hit the street. Should be worth a few sniggers and shocked looks from the grannies and moms with the trendy running strollers. (I'll let you decide who's gasping and sniggering)
   
8. Bash the SO around the head when he fails to get you off before he starts snoring. I can see the headlines now - a mad rash of dildo deaths around the world...
9. Paperweight - did I mention how heavy that sucker is?
10. Use it to replace that broken chair leg that's been bugging you for months.
11. I guess you could use it for it's intended purpose... though I'd suggest some porn and a good stretching routine beforehand
12. Replace that baseball bat you keep beside the bed to ward off intruders - They'll take one look at the 12" rubber dick and either collapse from laughter, or run in fear - especially if you have it attached to a harness at the time *insert little devil smiley here*
13. Why don't you leave me your favourite idea in the comments :)

13 things about school being back in session

There are no first day of school blues in this house, and I don't really care if that makes me a 'bad' parent -- it makes me a sane one in this house. Monday can't come soon enough

1. I can turn my music up and the only complaining is from my howling cats
2. No more waking up to the sounds of gunfire and the grisly sounds of death at 6am
3. No more requests for Daddy to 'put on his 'puter so I can play the tank game' at 6am (noticing a theme here?)
4. Yes, I'm one of those bad parents that lets her child play wargames and takes them to adult action flicks.
5. The glorious sound of silence. Pop/rap/rock music is for cleaning, silence (something as you can see from the above has been lacking lately) is for writing. Well, that's not quite true, I do have instrumental relaxation/meditation/inspiration music going on in the background.
6. It's much easier to diet when you don't have the temptation of going halvsies with the kiddo whenever he's feeling peckish.
7. Less mess
8. Well, that's the theory anyway -- I don't aim to be messy, I just frickin hate housecleaning!
9. Get to have Friday Morning Coffee again with my girlfriends. It goes on hiatus over summer as it's a tad difficult to have coffee and gossip when you have to corral ten kids.
10. Running errands, while still a chore, will not be quite so tedious. No more 'I'm waiting in the car' 'no you're not, its 101degrees out and you're 7, if a policeman comes by he'll arrest Mummy for being bad' arguments
11. See above but insert Gym and home. Though I've been just giving in on this one and saying to hell with it ... might a good reason why the pounds have crept on and my favourite capris are too damn tight.
12. I will miss the conversations like todays 'How about we get Miss Jenna to cut you're hair after she does Mummy's?' 'Did she cut Daddy's hair?' 'No, why do you ask that?' 'Cause if she was the one that gave Daddy his bald spot I don't want her cutting my hair!' I swear, that is word for word, cross my heart, a true conversation ... for the sake of FB's embarrassment I won't go into the old persons and baldspots comments after that :)
13. No door to door school bus this year. Crap, that means I have to start using the car lane ... I need Wi-Fi! *sob*

13 reasons I'm looking forward to getting away for a few days

• This house and I, we've seen much too much of one another in the last few months. The summer weather is not conducive to getting out and doing things, it's too damn hot, or perversely too damn wet!
• The kiddo and I, we've seen much too much of one another, lol. He's going with us, but a change of venue, with no loud computer games and blaring t.v is going to be good.
• It means I can put off wallpapering the bathroom for another 4 days :)
• Other than one rip to Chicago, in 5 years I've not left the State of Florida, unless it was to go home to NZ. I'm not really succeeding at seeing the country -- unlike hubby who's been all over the show, even if it was for work.
• I need a break from writing and sewing, I've not been enjoying either the last week - but that's PMS for you, I was NOT a good person to be around last night, things just went from bad to worse and there was no chocolate to be found *sob*
• I love visiting historic locations, and Savannah is pretty damn historic. I'm looking forward to seeing some of the old south. Though I have a feeling I might turn around and tell hubby we are moving 2 hours north :)
• My camera and I are going to get cozy -- expect to be inundated with photos next week.
• Being able to spend an afternoon by the pool reading -- when FB's at work, I have to get in the pool with kiddo, needless to say neither eBook nor paper fairs well in that situation!
• I'm hoping the new scenery will spark some new writing ideas.
• Shopping! Although we are on a tight budget for this trip, but I might be able to squeeze a little something out of the stone.
• No housework. Yaaaay!
• Will try out some local eateries and maybe find somewhere with good food that's not expensive (ala The Melting Pot where I went with the GF's on Monday, tres expensive!)
• Family time. Though we haven't been anywhere this summer, we haven't connected much -- unless it's been with our respective computers, which reminds me, must book kiddo in to get his eyes tested *sigh* a mothers jobs are never done!

13 reasons not to be a blogger behaving badly...

1. Judge not, least yea be judged -- I'm not a bible kinda girl, but it does contain some very wise truths.
2. Readers - If some of them are anything like me, if you cross the line, I don't bother buying anymore. I can't be bothered supporting your bad behaviour.
   
3. Editors - they blog surf just as much as we do, and first impressions are not the only ones that count.
4. Time - Blogging is enough of a time sink (you know it is!), but starting a blog war that rages for days, weeks, hell even months? Meh, what a waste of freaking time.
5. Reputation - Do you really want to be remembered as a blogger who behaved badly?
6. Karma - Kismet, whatever. Unpleasantness only begets further unpleasantness. It'll be back to bite you in the ass at some stage.
7. You can put your evil schemes to work for ... oh, I don't know, solving world peace or something small like that. After all if you've got time to hunt down google caches, urls, ip addresses and all the rest a cure for cancer should be a piece of cake.
8. Seriously, it gets old after a while - just like reruns of Friends. It was great the first time round, even the second and third, but it's on, what the 20th rerun now? It's done.
9. Highschool was, for most of us, over 10 years ago -- more like 20 for some -- classroom style, but-she-said vendettas are so passe
10. Gossips always get it in the end -- or at least end up married to the guy glued to his armchair, wearing a wifebeater, and demanding a beer ... or a hairnet ala Ena Sharples:
11. ewww... Ena Sharples ... could be worse, you could end up like Bet:
12. I'll leave 12 and 13 up to you, I've got a WIP to polish up!

13 Ways in which I procrastinate

SO, I said in the post below I'm supposed to be pulling out all the stops and getting PV2 written ... heres my word count from yesterday -- 0. Yup a big fat Zero.

1. Thought about redoing my toenails -- for some reason the pinky purple I chose last week just isn't cutting it for me ... maybe I'll go light, shiny pink ... gold might be better, it's summer after all
   
2. Kiddo wants a ham sandwich so a ham sandwich he shall have!
   
3. Washing ... eh ... well someones got to do it I guess.
4. What on earth is the smell coming out of the waste disposal -- I think I'll need a clothes peg for this
5. Hey Mummy, I'm naked and these are my Butt-ocks! hehehehe (kiddo's emphasis not mine. Other kids giggle over arse or butt, but nooo, mine has a thing for butt-ocks)
6. Crap! (while bending down and getting rid of the old nailpolish) it's like a freaking forest down there, wheres the razor that leg stubble's got to go
7. To read or not to read, that is the question ... heck its a new book, just a few pages will be okay ... two hours later "Man, they have these on a yearly release cycle, well that sucks, I wanna read the next one now *pout*"
8. Oooh, look it's time to go to the pool for swimming lessons, get your togs on kiddo!
9. Here's some meat balls, finish off the bag of potatoes (cut into chunks), add a chopped up onion, and a couple a packets of gravy, a jar of sliced mushrooms, a sprinkle of pepper ... and in the oven it goes
10. Oops forgot the wine! A splash for the dinner, a glass for me, another splash for dinner, and another glass for me, and another half glass for me ... WTF? Turns bottle upside down and shakes ... shit, it's empty! Bugger!
11. Mmmm, feeling all mellow inside, I really should go do some writing now ... oooh, so you think you can dance? is on, cool!
12. Oooh ... Top Chef Miami's on next!
13. Yawn. Well bugger me, my screens still blank. Oh well, I'll make a start in the morning.

13 absolutely, positively horrible Redneck pickup lines

Shamelessly swiped from elsewhere, because my brains feeling mushy tonight (but I've got an extra 2k on AW done, woo, go me!):


1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree and I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

And.... the most tackiest for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up!

13 Interesting Blogs

1. Daisy Dexter Dobbs - She's not an everyday blogger, but she's a very funny lady.
2. Hello, my name is Heather - I came across this blog as Heather designs lovely fabrics that I've sewn with. She's a laugh, and a very creative person. Beautiful photographer, too.
3. Dear Author - If you're a writer and not plugged into these ladies, you really need to be. Great source of information about all sorts of things about the industry, and if you're a reader an excellent review source.
4. EREC - This site is more author orientated. Keep an eye out for interesting industry commentary, info about publishers etc
5. Slouching toward Bethlehem to be drunk - This was a random, click on an icon cause I wonder who this is find. This is what I love about blogging, you find all sorts of interesting people and get a little taste of what their life is like.
6. Of course we can't forget the Bitchery - Smart Bitches, Trashy Books
7. TA Chase keeps us all hanging at his blog with his serialised stories. He's a m/m writer with a very vivid imagination (a dirty one too :) )
8. Threadbared - Snark for seamstresses.
9. Paperbackwriter - Lynn Viehl's blog is a new find for me, but it's very interesting.
10. It always amazes me what people will confess over at Post Secret. It also makes me realise, in the majority I've had a pretty good life. It's had it's drama of course, but not lately - maybe I need to weird it up a little?
11. I've no clue how I found this blog now, and it hasn't been updated in a while, but boypolar was good reading.
12. Rhian's started up her Monday Poetry Train. Rhi's one of those all around creative types with a finger in many a paint pot. I'm not a big poetry writer, but I'm going to get the pencil scratching and jump on and ride that train...ride it...crap now that songs going to be in my head all day.
13. Hey, I'll be a tad egotistical here, ME ... but you've already got me bookmarked ... right? No, well hit that bookmark button, then add Mandy, Jeanne and Isa to the list too!

TT #18 - Randomness

1. Is everyone as geekgirled out at the new Tabletop Computer as I am?
2. Why do iceblocks come on sticks but icecream in a cone? And why are iceblocks, well, blocks? Why not circles, or triangles, or octogons?
   
3. I just named our new kitten Chicken. FB tells me it's so off the wall it just might work. It's definitely going to be better than yelling out 'little black sunshine' in hearing of our coloured neighbours. I don't think they would wait around to here my 7yr old suggested the name since we have one cats thats light and one cat thats black and they like sitting in the sun.
4. Apparently I'm an Emo Goth Chick in middle class white womans clothing because I like both Evanesence and Fall Out Boy. I also have a side of hoochie momma as I've snapped up all Timbalands latest in explicit format.
5. Fresh Cherries are the BOMB. You can keep those fake glacé crap things that you get on top of your sundae. Though I think I might in a world of hurt a little later as I've managed to eat half a pound of them writing this TT.
6. Why is it you always miss a spot with the suntan lotion?
7. Would the world be a better place if they'd left the cocaine in the Coke-a-Cola?
8. How do they get white chocolate to be white? Are there special albino cocoa beans or something?(seems not) This musing came courtesy of my addiction to the special, imported from Europe white chocolate that I can only get at World Market
   
9. How did we know Violets were violet to call them Violets? Or were Violets Violet before they were violet?
10. On that note: Is it wrong to like boys who like boys who like girls who like boys who like boys and girls?
11. I think I might be having a fruit sugar rush, because 9 & 10 make perfect sense to me.
12. I am so jonesing for the new Transformers movie - I'll be dragging kiddo along on opening day. I have a totally inappropriate crush on Shia LaBeouf - he's all of 21 for goodness sake, I think that could get me arrested!
13. Damn, the cherries are calling again ... I wonder if I can do that tie the stalk in a knot thing? You know that could be a very sexy thing to have a character do, specially if its a man -- that would really make his girlie's eyes cross and her tongue hang out as she panted with lust -- or is that just a good idea cause the fruit sugars talking again?
    

TT #17 - 13 things about Jack, Craig, Wren, & Tea for Three

These are all things you won't learn in the book, yet came about when I was building their personalities:

• Jack loves to grow things - plants, flowers, trees ... the mold in the takeaway left overs in the bottom of his truck.
• If Wren had been a boy her name would have been Laurie.
• Craig has a black thumb, yet he can grow strawberries, a most temperamental fruit if ever there was one.
• Wren's girlfriends bought her a 'dirty' walking stick. Since it has a anatomically correct penis carved as it's handle, it tends to stay in the big pot she uses to hold her collection in. It can be quite the talking point when people come to visit.
• Jack won an award for the garden he has built up around their home, and it was photographed for NZ Home & Garden.
• Craig was the one who took the photographs for the magazine -- he's quite the talented amateur photographer.
• Wren crochets. Or at least she tries to. She can only make squares, which she turns into blankets that quickly become holey, not holy.
• Craig absolutely, positively loathes snails. When he was a kid he nearly ate one in his silverbeet. He hasn't eaten silverbeet since, and Jack now regularly pranks him with snails left in his shoes, the passengers seat of his car ... snuck into his underwear drawer.
• Jack has a lead foot, and talking his way out of a ticket down to a fine art. Craig is not so lucky.
• Wren doesn't know it, but her dad has found his second chance at love. And no that's not sequel bait :), well at least I don't think it is ...
• Other than the actual houses and characters businesses, all the places in the book really exist.
• Kinky Boots is a damn good movie. How can a movie about a drag queens ultimate red high heel, not be?
• T43 is set in my home town/s. Many, many parts of this book are closely based on my own experiences. I'll leave you to figure them out after you read the book.
• Some close friends asked to be written into a book. One of them made it this time around *wave*

13 Places not to get it on

Being an author and all, you have to come up with new and surprising venues for your characters to get down and dirty in. So I thought a list of places that would just be plain nasty to have sex in (versus good places to have nasty sex) might be a good list...

1. Gas Station Toilets - sorry, I don't care how hot to trot the two of you are - eek, Nasty germ alert!
2. On top of the frozen marble stone at Cold Stone Creamery (insert your local mix-in icecream shop) - No way, that marble is COLD, and I don't want to have to be unsticking my lady bits when they get frozen to the marble! Way too Dumb and Dumber for me!
   
3. Plastic Outdoor Chairs - There is a reason these things are cheap - they don't last long before they turn brittle, and your man really doesn't want a passel of plastic chips poking out his backside like a hedgehog! True story - hubby had a big (his emphasis not mine, the wuss!) knee operation. Showering was difficult, so we put one of the smaller plastic outdoor chairs in the shower stall so he could sit down and wash. Bad move - when that thing broke, it went with a big bang, and a girly shriek as hubbys prostrated leg went up, and his ass went down leaving the chair somewhere on his head.
4. Gloryholes both fascinate and scare me - you're placing a lot of trust in someone not to be standing there with a pair of hedgeclippers or a cokebottle...
5. Grandma's Bed - unless grandma is dead and buried...ewww...that's worse than doing it in your parents bed (though face it, who hasn't made out on Mum and Dad's bed - it's some sort of teenage rite of passage or something)
6. Office sex = good, Cubicle sex = bad. Can you imagine it, you're banging away like a dunny door in the wind (such a poetic turn of phrase there), then WHAM, one stray hand knocks a wall, which knocks a wall, which knocks a wall...cubicles, the dominoes of officeland just waiting for the right nudge to get them started toppling.
7. Church steps - I really don't think this would go down well in romanceland (and on this, bloggers, I speak from experience)
8. I've always wondered if you can fit two in one of those 'surprise birthday cakes'. That really would be a surprise for the groom if that bad baby came down and all you got to see was a naked hairy butt with the strippers legs wrapped around it!
9. I think drycleaners could be a bit of a dodgy place to try getting it on - imagine if something caught caught in one of those steam presses - it would definitely give new meaning to being flat out horny!
10. The sea. Of course love scenes in the ocean were around way before 9 1/2 weeks, but have you ever thought further than the waves pushing you gently/crashing you against one another, heightening your experience? Sand...phsaw... I'm thinking of slightly larger orifice invaders (tentacle sex anyone?), what about jellyfish, could you imagine a jellyfish sting on your hooha?
11. Vet sex has always been suspicious - with all those twigs and berries running around, I'm sure some cat has taken a swipe somewhere along the way. Didn't you read the signs, sir? Don't place any appendages in the cage, the animals have a tendancy to bite!
12. On a fence - well, one partner on a fence anyway. Again another personal experience (though not sexual) sitting on the top rail of a post and rail fence gets way tricky when you're drunk, unlike cats, humans don't have the ability to land right side up!)
13. Where your kids can catch you - eh, another true story. Playing horsey-rides has never been the same since...
    

13 unusual search terms

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Thirteen things about laughter...

Thirteen Things about Laughter

1. It gives you wrinkles - in a good way.

2. Laughter really is the best medicine - Laughter, along with an active sense of humor, may help protect you against a heart attack, according to a recent study by cardiologists at the University of Maryland Medical Center in Baltimore.

3. Stressed? Go sit in a playground and listen to the kids laughing and find the joy in laughter.

4. Endorphins - Laughter can be as good as sex!

5. Talking about sex...everyone has the odd squelch now and then - don't be ashamed, laugh about it - imagine how much better all the extra endorphins from #4 will make your orgasm!

6. Love = Laughter, if you can't laugh together, what have you got?

7. Did you know that dogs and rats laugh?

8. Laughter is a great work out - so get working on that six pack!

9. Want a better nights sleep? Get in some laughter before nighty night time, and those bedbugs won't be keeping you awake.

10. Who would have thunk it, you can actually get Clown Therapy!

11. Freud...ah Freud where would our psyches be without him "Laughter is an "economical phenomenon" whose function is to release "psychic energy" that has been wrongly mobilised by incorrect or false expectations." Do you have any idea what that means? I don't.

12. Laughter even made it to the Internet - LOL!

13. Just remember; if you can't laugh at yourself, everyone else will.


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!