The Demise of Doug

I went looking for something else to compare poor old Doug (as someone termed him) to, and as I was about to shoot a picture of Doug beside a baseball bat I was overcome by the ridiculousness of it all. I mean that was my plan, but really ... twelve inches? 12.

For any guy carrying that around in his pants I feel bad for you. I've been carrying around the breast equivalent for a few years now, and I can safely say it's no walk in the park - finding underwear's a bitch, seriously. Blue balls would be a reality for a guy not strapped down nice and tight who decided to do something, say like .... trampolining.

I think I need to start an internet protest to point out to all the erotica and erotic romance authors that 10"+ is really and truly overkill in the dick department. It's fantasy, sure, but surely, somewhere along the line physics has to come into play?

Every time I'm bowling along and come to the paragraph where the hero flops out his prodigious pecker I laugh. I can't help it. The story, no matter how good/serious/weepy, assumes a comedic overtone in my head and can't be saved.

Seriously, do these authors have a partner who's on the short side of the statistical 5.5" and are over compensating? Because if they are, I'm happy to pony up the cash to mail Doug to them for a trial run so they can get their dimensional delusions under control. I understand the male authors a little better I think, because at least they don't know what it's like to have the appendage equivalent of a watermelon shoved up there, they can still live out their "I'm the man with the enormous dick" fantasies. But surely the everyday female would think twice? (Though I will make allowances for the 'size queens' among us who think bigger is better.)

8 or 9 inches seems plenty big enough when I take out a ruler and measure. I mean 10" hits my rib cage, 12" would give new mean to that whole "feel me in your throat" thing, now wouldn't it?

13 Things a 12" dildo could be used for...

An x rated Thursday 13:

13 things you could use a 12" dildo for...

1. A doorstop - more specifically for the bedroom. One look at that baby and you'd either be hot to trot, or develop a constant, vicious "headache"
2. A book end - buy a second one, maybe one that vibrates and set them either side of your erotica collection
3. Hammer nails - After all, 'His cock was hard enough to hammer nails' has to be used copiously in romance novels for a reason
4. A rolling pin - it's about the right size, and all that veining would give your pastry a lovely textured finish
5. Which leads into: Back Massager. A little bit of lotion, a little bit of elbow grease ... YOUR BACK, people, your back ... sheesh, all your minds are in the gutter!
   
6. A dog chew toy - all that rubbery goodness, and it's the perfect size to fit a big, slobbery doggy mouth around
7. That suckers heavy, you can use it in your daily exercise regime as a hand weight - thought it's that damn long you could use two and wrap them around an ankle for a leg weight and hit the street. Should be worth a few sniggers and shocked looks from the grannies and moms with the trendy running strollers. (I'll let you decide who's gasping and sniggering)
   
8. Bash the SO around the head when he fails to get you off before he starts snoring. I can see the headlines now - a mad rash of dildo deaths around the world...
9. Paperweight - did I mention how heavy that sucker is?
10. Use it to replace that broken chair leg that's been bugging you for months.
11. I guess you could use it for it's intended purpose... though I'd suggest some porn and a good stretching routine beforehand
12. Replace that baseball bat you keep beside the bed to ward off intruders - They'll take one look at the 12" rubber dick and either collapse from laughter, or run in fear - especially if you have it attached to a harness at the time *insert little devil smiley here*
13. Why don't you leave me your favourite idea in the comments :)

And it's bigger

Than two rolls of toilet paper stacked end on end...


though I will admit it's a little closer if you take away the balls...

It's as big as macbook

Or bigger, depending how you look at it:


(And yes, I have two computers side by side (you can't see the dslr, the pda, the mobile phone, the scanner, 3 printers...) I'm a techno ho, what can I say)

I bought a 12" dildo the other day...

Did I get your attention?

Well, it's the truth... sort of :)

I was abstractedly surfing the internet a while ago, and happened across a testimonial for a particular dildo. Being that I was putting off doing all sort of other *ahem* interesting things like house work, custom sewing jobs... edits, I scrolled down to take a look.

Holy Fuck! That mother is HUGE! Seriously, lady? You stick that where?

Which got me to thinking about all the various erotica and erotic romance I've read where the guy flops and anaconda sized dick out of his pants. Now the proud moment where the guy expounds on the veracity of his said monster snake-like appendage has always struck me as, hrmm, kinda odd, really. I can't say I've slept my way through half of Auckland, hell even half a rugby team (15 on the field), but I've yet to come across anything that would come close to resembling a foot long - standard hot dog sized maybe, but with a super-sized side of fries on the side? Nope.

So, because I'm strange like that, I hunted around and found a relatively cheap, realistic dildo that would make any size-maven proud to own. (and plus, it's a tax deduction... DAMN I love my job!)

My first hint should have been the size box the damn thing shipped in ... I got quite a surprise opening the damn box expecting protein shake powder only to find a 12" dong! Needless to say, all in the name of research of course, I opened that baby up in the blink of an eye -- then blinked again, and then blinked some more, swallowed a few times, crossed my legs and whispered, "No way. No. Fucking. Way!"

Let's just say, I was feeling the cliched "It's not going to fit" moment from the tips of my hair to the ends of my toes. A horse would feel intimidated by this thing!

So, now what to do with it?

You'll have to pop back next week and find out.... and no, get your heads out of the gutter, that thing 'ain't going nowhere near my lady bits, thank you very much!