13 Things a 12" dildo could be used for...

An x rated Thursday 13:

13 things you could use a 12" dildo for...

1. A doorstop - more specifically for the bedroom. One look at that baby and you'd either be hot to trot, or develop a constant, vicious "headache"
2. A book end - buy a second one, maybe one that vibrates and set them either side of your erotica collection
3. Hammer nails - After all, 'His cock was hard enough to hammer nails' has to be used copiously in romance novels for a reason
4. A rolling pin - it's about the right size, and all that veining would give your pastry a lovely textured finish
5. Which leads into: Back Massager. A little bit of lotion, a little bit of elbow grease ... YOUR BACK, people, your back ... sheesh, all your minds are in the gutter!
   
6. A dog chew toy - all that rubbery goodness, and it's the perfect size to fit a big, slobbery doggy mouth around
7. That suckers heavy, you can use it in your daily exercise regime as a hand weight - thought it's that damn long you could use two and wrap them around an ankle for a leg weight and hit the street. Should be worth a few sniggers and shocked looks from the grannies and moms with the trendy running strollers. (I'll let you decide who's gasping and sniggering)
   
8. Bash the SO around the head when he fails to get you off before he starts snoring. I can see the headlines now - a mad rash of dildo deaths around the world...
9. Paperweight - did I mention how heavy that sucker is?
10. Use it to replace that broken chair leg that's been bugging you for months.
11. I guess you could use it for it's intended purpose... though I'd suggest some porn and a good stretching routine beforehand
12. Replace that baseball bat you keep beside the bed to ward off intruders - They'll take one look at the 12" rubber dick and either collapse from laughter, or run in fear - especially if you have it attached to a harness at the time *insert little devil smiley here*
13. Why don't you leave me your favourite idea in the comments :)

And it's bigger

Than two rolls of toilet paper stacked end on end...


though I will admit it's a little closer if you take away the balls...

Because my Idjit'ness knows no bounds

I somehow let my main site url expire at registerfly. I've fixed it, but until the namesever points to the right places again everyone's sol at finding my main page, instead you get gobbledygook search stuff. I think I need to get myself next years diary already so I cn schedule myself to remember this ahead of time!

But never fear - blogger is still here!!

Did I tell you about my run in with the dog catcher?

I don't think I did.

Anyhoo, I was caught up in some work and the door bell rang - you know how it goes, you're distracted and you answer the door and you're not really taking much notice of the person on the otherside. So there's a guy in a uniform - like a county worker uniform - and I assume that he's someone to do with the complaint I made about the backed up street drain out front.

Here's how the conversation goes:

"Good afternoon ma'am. Do you own the Akita?"
Annoyed at being interrupted I say, "No, mines the orange Honda in the driveway." Along with a finger pointed to the aforesaid driveway, with a 'duh, you just walked past it' look.
Man in the uniform looks as me strangely. "So you don't own a dog then?"
I look back at him wondering WTF my car and a dog have in common. "No, just a Siamese cat." I then get a little more of a clue and take note that the truck the guys driving has cages on the back of it, not a hulking great pump to suck the crap out of the drain. Shit, he's the dog catcher and I just made a total ass out of myself.
"You definitely don't own an Akida then? (I blush) Or a big dog that just broke through your back fence and bit somebody, because they're sure it came from this house."
"Nope, just me and my cat, and believe me the only reason she's going to bite someone is if you get between her and her catfood bowl." Thank god the man smiled at that one.

Then he spent the next 15mins with a dog whistle driving all over our little corner of the subdivision trying to find the dog. I don't know if he ever found the dog, but this weekend, guess what was sitting outside the house next door where new neighbours just moved in about a month ago - you guessed it a pile of old rotten fencing and an Akita (which is nothing like a Honda!)

13 Places not to get it on

Being an author and all, you have to come up with new and surprising venues for your characters to get down and dirty in. So I thought a list of places that would just be plain nasty to have sex in (versus good places to have nasty sex) might be a good list...

1. Gas Station Toilets - sorry, I don't care how hot to trot the two of you are - eek, Nasty germ alert!
2. On top of the frozen marble stone at Cold Stone Creamery (insert your local mix-in icecream shop) - No way, that marble is COLD, and I don't want to have to be unsticking my lady bits when they get frozen to the marble! Way too Dumb and Dumber for me!
   
3. Plastic Outdoor Chairs - There is a reason these things are cheap - they don't last long before they turn brittle, and your man really doesn't want a passel of plastic chips poking out his backside like a hedgehog! True story - hubby had a big (his emphasis not mine, the wuss!) knee operation. Showering was difficult, so we put one of the smaller plastic outdoor chairs in the shower stall so he could sit down and wash. Bad move - when that thing broke, it went with a big bang, and a girly shriek as hubbys prostrated leg went up, and his ass went down leaving the chair somewhere on his head.
4. Gloryholes both fascinate and scare me - you're placing a lot of trust in someone not to be standing there with a pair of hedgeclippers or a cokebottle...
5. Grandma's Bed - unless grandma is dead and buried...ewww...that's worse than doing it in your parents bed (though face it, who hasn't made out on Mum and Dad's bed - it's some sort of teenage rite of passage or something)
6. Office sex = good, Cubicle sex = bad. Can you imagine it, you're banging away like a dunny door in the wind (such a poetic turn of phrase there), then WHAM, one stray hand knocks a wall, which knocks a wall, which knocks a wall...cubicles, the dominoes of officeland just waiting for the right nudge to get them started toppling.
7. Church steps - I really don't think this would go down well in romanceland (and on this, bloggers, I speak from experience)
8. I've always wondered if you can fit two in one of those 'surprise birthday cakes'. That really would be a surprise for the groom if that bad baby came down and all you got to see was a naked hairy butt with the strippers legs wrapped around it!
9. I think drycleaners could be a bit of a dodgy place to try getting it on - imagine if something caught caught in one of those steam presses - it would definitely give new meaning to being flat out horny!
10. The sea. Of course love scenes in the ocean were around way before 9 1/2 weeks, but have you ever thought further than the waves pushing you gently/crashing you against one another, heightening your experience? Sand...phsaw... I'm thinking of slightly larger orifice invaders (tentacle sex anyone?), what about jellyfish, could you imagine a jellyfish sting on your hooha?
11. Vet sex has always been suspicious - with all those twigs and berries running around, I'm sure some cat has taken a swipe somewhere along the way. Didn't you read the signs, sir? Don't place any appendages in the cage, the animals have a tendancy to bite!
12. On a fence - well, one partner on a fence anyway. Again another personal experience (though not sexual) sitting on the top rail of a post and rail fence gets way tricky when you're drunk, unlike cats, humans don't have the ability to land right side up!)
13. Where your kids can catch you - eh, another true story. Playing horsey-rides has never been the same since...
    

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