Courtesy of Headless over on Borsboards: A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 25th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first woman says, 'My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two Weeks,' and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second woman says, 'Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,' and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says, 'Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions, but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis.'
After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, 'Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera we're going to my parent's house for two weeks.'
The second woman says, 'Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus.'
'Well,' the third woman says, 'I've got a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg.'
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Have a laugh
Friday, August 10, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
The things kids say
In the car on our way to dinner tonight, FB asks kiddo how his field trip went this week.
"It wasn't a field trip daddy, it was a day off because of that Brown Man"
Okay, bear with us here, we come from New Zealand; MLK, while known, isn't exactly an icon like he is here, so it took us a while to figure out which Brown Man (Capitalised just like the way he said it) he meant. In our day to day life we don't encounter many people of colour, a few Asians now and then, and I haven't really sat down and said people with this colour skin are called X, and besides I don't know what to call anyone these days - Black, African American...??? For kiddo the colour of their skin is purely a descriptive term; like blond or red hair, blue or green eyes, so its never bothered us that he says they are a brown person versus a white person.
Of course we had to try explain racism to a six (nearly 7, mom!) year old. So trying to keep it simple we explained that before mummy and daddy were born, brown people didn't have a good time of it in America and they were often not allowed to do things white people could (ride buses, drink from the same water fountain, shop at the same shops or go to the same schools), and that people like MLK told white people it wasn't fair for them to treat brown people any differently. I thought we were doing pretty good at keeping it simple. So quite how we got to "So brown people and white people can swap shirts now?" I have not one clue. Kiddos thoughts are not all that linear in the least, but at least he got the idea.
Now on the way home, it was a decidedly lighter mood. Kiddo loves music, the hip pop hoppier the better. Fergalicious comes on the radio and he is pleading for the car to do its magic and make it louder (he hasn't realised yet there is a volume control on the steering wheel - and since mums need all the magic help we can get, I ain't spilling the beans!). 3/4 the way through the song FB turns it down to tell me something and screams of indignation arise from the back seat.
"Turn my song back up...I like this song...turn the T&A song back yup!!!"
"Are you sure? I thought you didn't like girls?" (ahh what us parents do for cheap thrills)
"I don't like girls! Turn my T&A song back up! I like that song"
Yup word for word - he likes T&A. Of course he was remembering the first letters of T A S T E Y (btw, Fergie can't spell it seems - I had to look it up thinking maybe it was an English/USA thing, but no there shouldn't be an E).
The world is good, kiddo realises racism is bad, and he likes T&A. It's enough to make a mother cry happy tears!
Friday, January 12, 2007
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Check this out...
Bors Boards is a never ending source of...well...everything really.
http://www.glumbert.com/media/spiders
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Thirteen ways to annoy your husband
Thursday thirteen #3
1. It has to come in at the top spot: Hide the remote
2. Use his razor on your legs.
3. Quickly followed by him finding out you used up the last of his shaving foam, too!
4. Use the girly scented fabric softener on his work clothes
5. Throw away all the holey underwear when he's at work - it's not Holy, it's just holey!
6. Get his favourite chair restuffed, and recovered - with Laura Ashley fabric.
7. Organise his 'man space', everything will be hanging in front of his nose and he won't be able to find it.
8. Invite your mother to stay for a week...make sure its on a weekend that a big game is on, and demand you want to go out to eat at the exact time of kick off.
9. Take his rough, tough, manly man dog to the groomers, and bring it home smelling sweet with a bow in it's hair. If you can stretch to a poodle cut, all the better!
10. Make him take your cat for a walk, complete with leash and rhinestone collar.
11. Tune all the preset stations to Chick Rock, Disney and classical. After all if its good enough for your car, its good enough for his truck.
12. His truck - oh the wealth of opportunities! From getting it detailed till it gleams when he has spent 6 months building up off roading grime, all the way to giving it a sunshine yellow paint job. Mary Kay Pink if you're really mean.
13. Take a photo of him asleep in his Laura Ashley chair, with the cat cuddled up to his head and his now foo foo dog at his feet and gleefully send it to all his mates, who will then put it in their wallets to bring out every friday night down at the pub... Priceless!
Friday, December 22, 2006
Shamelessly hooked from some Smart Bitches...
Check the sidebar links, I'm not being mean, they ARE Smart Bitches who read Trashy Books!
Romance at its finest
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Thirteen ways to leave your lover...
Thursday thirteen #2
1. Send flowers - Dead Flowers. Nothing says it like flowers
2. Not a flowers kind of person, and prefer to send houseplants? How about a prickly cactus with a sweet love note saying "this is how I think of you in my heart".
3. Stand him up - the new millennium way. Make a date to meet him at a fancy restaurant, also arrange to meet your new love at the same place. Make as if you plan to sit at the table, but waltz on by, and greet your new love by draping your scantily clad body over his and lickin' his lips like hes candy on a stick. Don't gloat unless your new love is of the same sex - only then should you look over and smile and watch his/her dreams of the threesome going swirling down the drain.
4. Set him up on a date...with your gay best friend.
5. Pet allergies huh? Make your feelings known via the SPCA/Humane society, adopt a couple of furry friends and invite him/her over to watch the game/chick flick.
6. Lip gloss - the kind with the flavour he doesn't like. Eventually he will get the hint.
7. Rearrange their stuff. Hide his porn, or even more dastardly - the remote. Never fear, the gals get their comeuppance, too - use her favourite hairbrush on your dog, or that expensive face cream on your jock itch...you won't see her for dust!
8. The Silent Treatment - now this really only works on girls; you know how frustrated we get when you ignore us.
9. Go all Janice on his ass. Remember Janice, Chandler Bing's ex-girlfriend in Friends? And that annoying laugh, only just slightly beating out Nanny Fine's caterwauling? Develop a new annoying vocal habit, use it to good effect during the game. He'll be gone by half time and wont be back!
10. Buy a dildo...with a harness. Then ask him if you can drive tonight. If he says go for it, you might just have to think twice about getting rid of the guy!
11. Be a Momma's boy. When she goes all out with candles and fine food, tell her it doesn't taste as good as what your Momma makes. This is an extreme measure, be prepared to duck flying forks and plates used like a Frisbee.
12. Really want this girl out of your hair? Wear her panties. You might not want to go as far as her bra (they are uncomfortable SOB's), but no woman is going to take you walking around in her finest - especially when it looks better on you!
13. Just slip out the back, jack. Make a new plan, Stan. You don't need to be coy, Roy. Just get yourself free. Hop on the bus, Gus. You don't need to discuss much. Just drop off the key, lee. And get yourself free.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
A Friday teaser
I have been trying out my shapeshifter wings :
The scent was sweeter than any fruit; soaking his senses, calling to him. He shoved his nose into the damp crevice where the glorious smell was strongest. Tasting the treat before him with his nose and his tongue, he edged his way slowly closer to the female that tantalized him so with her perfume.
She was what he had been seeking all these years. None of the other females had felt right, they hadn’t smelt right, but this one…this one was he had been waiting for. He wanted to dip his tongue into the delicious honey, wallow in her fragrance and mark her as his own.
“What the fuck?” Rex fell back onto his ass, pinching at his nose trying to stem the flow of blood as another clenched fist in front of a damn good right hook smashed into his cheek. “What the hell do you think you’re doing lady?”
He managed to get a hold of her wrist before she wound up for another strike and pulled her forward into his chest, landing them both on the floor with an “oomph”.
“Get off me, you brute!” You brute? The woman was such a contradiction, Miss Manners one moment, then modern attitude and vernacular the next.
“ME? I’m a brute? Lady, I’m the one with a bleeding nose.” It didn’t matter that part of his dual nature was the ability to heal a lot fast than a normal human and his nose was now a slow ooze, not the gushing river it had been when he was shocked into changing back from his bear form. “What did I do to you to make you lash out like that? I might not have been Mr. Congeniality the way I bundled you up here - but I apologized - and I even changed just like you asked, why were you smacking me over the snout?”
Pulling one hand away, he poked at the cartilage running along the ridge of his nose, grimacing in one particularly sore spot. “I don’t think you broke it.”
The struggles had stopped, drawing his attention away from his injury and back to the woman lying supine beneath him. Her face was pale, but bursts of color brushed her cheeks and she panted shallowly. Following her gaze Rex realized he had transformed back sans clothing and now straddled her buck naked with a raging hard on.
“You’re...”
“Yes, it does seem that way doesn’t it.” Quite an enviable state considering the circumstances, Rex thought to himself.
Pearl’s skirt rode up around her waist and she had lost a couple of buttons in the scuffle from that very puritan blouse she wore. His cock now rested, larger than it had ever been in its life, nestled into the V of Pearl’s legs and hips, framed by pretty blue lace hipster panties.
He wasn’t inclined to make haste and move off the lovely plump bundle who was struggling again. Rubbing her mons up along his dick as she tried to buck him loose, straining the remaining buttons of her blouse until another popped and the bra matching the panties lay exposed.
Like a bear to honey, Rex couldn’t hold back any longer. In both forms she was like nectar, and he wasn’t on any sort of diet. Leaning down he ran the slightly stubbly edge of his cheek along the now exposed nape of her neck, scenting her, marking her with his own. He nipped at the bruise on her shoulder with his canines extended drawing a heated gasp as he ground down with his hips giving pleasure with the pain of the bite.
Despite his brain feebly telling him to stop, nature took a hold, pushing logical thought to the side, letting the instinct to mate with a suitable female prowl his consciousness. The smell of fear was easily overridden as he felt moisture seep through the lace, dampening his skin.
Laving the bite mark he heard small whimpers of pleasure from
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Thirteen things about laughter...
Thirteen Things about Laughter
1. It gives you wrinkles - in a good way.
2. Laughter really is the best medicine - Laughter, along with an active sense of humor, may help protect you against a heart attack, according to a recent study by cardiologists at the University of Maryland Medical Center in Baltimore.
3. Stressed? Go sit in a playground and listen to the kids laughing and find the joy in laughter.
4. Endorphins - Laughter can be as good as sex!
5. Talking about sex...everyone has the odd squelch now and then - don't be ashamed, laugh about it - imagine how much better all the extra endorphins from #4 will make your orgasm!
6. Love = Laughter, if you can't laugh together, what have you got?
7. Did you know that dogs and rats laugh?
8. Laughter is a great work out - so get working on that six pack!
9. Want a better nights sleep? Get in some laughter before nighty night time, and those bedbugs won't be keeping you awake.
10. Who would have thunk it, you can actually get Clown Therapy!
11. Freud...ah Freud where would our psyches be without him "Laughter is an "economical phenomenon" whose function is to release "psychic energy" that has been wrongly mobilised by incorrect or false expectations." Do you have any idea what that means? I don't.
12. Laughter even made it to the Internet - LOL!
13. Just remember; if you can't laugh at yourself, everyone else will.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Another weekend gone...
And the end of the year has crept another week closer.
I got to thinking (I know, I know...I used my brain?) about this last year, and what I have or haven't achieved.
It definitely has been a different year than I had thought it might be at this time last year. It was in about a months time that I sat down to pen my first tale...ever! Then in March I had a contract, and July my first book published. Quite a feat, considering that until I typed out
Wild Blue was the local bi/gay dance club—a place where she felt right at home since her two best friends, who happened to be men, were also lovers.actually becoming an author was just one of those things in the 'wouldn't that be nice pile'. Although I consider myself artsy crafty, and mildly witty at times, writing was in the same place as my desire to one day learn ancient Hebrew and read the dead sea scrolls - most likely to happen when Pink Pig airlines took to the skies.
But somewhere along the way I tried something new. I took the time to try make one of those pipe dreams a reality and look ... I made it happen.
Okay, I wrote it, polished it, then sent it off and the wise folks at Loose Id saw the potential and made the final product happen, but still...I made it happen. As my friends would say, I now write chick porn and get paid for it. (Damn it, when will they realise it's erotic romance!!)
I know that there are writers who have suffered for years trying to do the same thing - get published that is, not write chick porn... err... erotic romance - who feel the need to write as if its a disease in their blood (sort of like the way Pepsi calls to me in the middle of the night like a bad vamp movie where you scream "No! Don't do it, the bad mans out there! He will suck your blood and kill you all dead to the dead!" (Bad C movie screenplay courtesy of FB, the king of really bad one liners)). But they aren't the target of this little diatribe. They are already trying to make their pipe dream a reality (although their pipe dream might need a little bit of a revamp), they are the ones already taking a risk. My target is the rest of you who dream your dreams, then moan about how they aren't ever going to come true.
When life hands you lemons, make lemon meringue pie people! Get out there, take one of those pipe dreams and give it a try. It might be a screaming pile of poo's (another FB classic), but you gave it a try. We have approximately 85 years on this planet, with no guarantee of any form of afterlife, make the most of what you have now. Don't just think out of the box, take a great big sledgehammer and smash the damn thing wide open, get out there and live your life the way you want it.
And maybe, now that I have made one potential possibility a reality, I might just hunt out a Rabbi and figure out who I have to screw to get my greedy mitts on the precursor to the bible.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
While the cats away...
This mouse has been doing feck all, really.
You would think with hubby out of town (how nice for some to get to spend a week in Costa Mesa CA!), I would have the place ship shape and bristol fashion, the washing done, the dishes sparkling, and thousands of words written...you might think that.
I could easily disabuse you of that notion though.
Where have my days gone? Eppie reading for one...eh, my eyes are still square from that (reminder for next year offer for a few less entries to read), oh, I baked a cake...well technically I baked one cake (gingerbread from Slivia Violets Passionate Kitchen blog) and one slice (brownie for the USA folk)...mmm sultana slice, damn I love that stuff!
Oooh, I had a pedi...and, I think, an orgasm..just a little tiddly mini one. I was talking to the lady saying we had been doing our floors and my knees were kaput, and since I wasnt having the fancy smancy pedi she gave me this absolutely lower leg and knee massage. OHMIGAWD! It was so cruel to make me get up afterwards and walk. How dare they! Lets say the lady got a very generous tip! FB will like the pretty red toes when he gets back from CA - he has a bit of a thing for toes/feet...when they arent all cracked and hory looking that is.
See, I have all that polishing, and shining, and cleaning to do, and yet again I am here procrastinating. I so suck at being a housewife. I would never get a good recommendation from my boss...what a way to mar my glowing work record :(
PS don't forget to sign up to my mailing list to get in to win the Lemax Christmas Ornaments on the 12th.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
The stress!
You would think the stress of editing, deadlines, promotions and all the rest would give anyone a severe headache, right?
Wrong, I have found something worse - my child's classroom Christams Party (although we aren't allowed to call them parties and its holiday or winter not Christmas - I'm not religious, but damn, this is getting a touch PC isn't it?).
Why the hell did I volunteer for this shite? Oh, thats right, I am a sucker for punishment and I like to entertain (something that has been significantly curtailed since we came to the States). You might think a house full of 30 adults a daunting task. They ain't got nothin' on 17 6-yr olds!
If you don't hear from me after the 19th of Dec, you know they hated my party planning and stoned me to death with gingerbread cookies and buried me under the playground. Please send the police...
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
OUT!
And proud of it, I guess is supposed to be what comes next. But no, no closet hopping for me, instead Position Vacant is available, OUT you might say, today, right now, like you could click this link and go buy it CLICK ME (doesn't that sound slightly Alice in Wonderland'esque).
I have been furiously emailing, posting, sending to mailing lists last night and tonight. You would be surprised where my name might be popping up today!
If your one of the guys and girls from Borsboards.com (aka GoFistYourself.com - got to love that name Smalto), please, make yourself at home, I have cookies and pie!
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Position Vacant Ornament Giveaway
Photos!
Yes I know, long time in coming, but I decided I wanted to hunt out something more than just Santa ornaments. Something that really reflected Position Vacant. And I am glad I did!
These two ornaments represent Position Vacant so well it's spooky!
If you have read the excerpt on the Position Vacant page (you can find it under the booklist tab on my website annedouglas.com) you will know Nick is the master toy designer. So what would be better than Santa's Toy Works?
I also make comment about Dancer and Prancer being rather aptly named...only I could make two of Santa's Reindeer gay. So when I found the ornament that has two reindeer dancing and prancing, I chortled with glee and bundled it in the cart! (They plug in FYI, the workshop lights up and the reindeer...well..dance and prance!
Friday, December 01, 2006
Sex gone awry
I have a few author blogs that I keep up with - Isabella Snow's Smut in G minor is one of them. Recently she made a post about your folks getting jiggy with it.
It made me think of an experience, not involving my parents, but me, as a parent.
Imagine if you will, getting a little morning nooky in, presumably before kiddo is up and awake. Things are going along, as they do, heading for a climactic conclusion, when whomph! Hubby body slams you and knocks all the wind out of you (really it wasn't welcomed at the time, erotic asphyxia I am not into!). Then the unholiest of all sounds peals out around the room, "Giddy up horsey, giddy up!", along with the corresponding sounds of little boy feet pounding into the sides of his fathers back, and his boney little bottom digging its way into the exposed soft flesh of my husbands lower back as he bounces up and down, urging his horsey to go faster and win the race!
Talk about giving a four year old horsey rides around the house coming back to bite you on the ass...bad pun not intended!
Meanwhile, poor ol'me, being on the bottom of the pile is having an extremely hard time breathing...what between the laughter and the impacts on my sternum from hubby being slammed down, repeatedly, in search of the finish line.
It's a pity it wasn't quite the finish line we were aiming for...
You know, there is a book in there somewhere!
