13 Christmas Funnies

I know I've been a bad bad blogger, and I'm sure your all thinking I'm Ms Flakey because there's been no blog serial updates either. I'll plead burn out and the fact that my mother is here from NZ, so I've ended up in a horrid, horrid cycle of cleaning and organising. It's scary, scary stuff I tell you!

So something to make you laugh...some are old, but still funny :)

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Just cause it made me laugh

Have a laugh

Courtesy of Headless over on Borsboards:

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 25th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first woman says, 'My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two Weeks,' and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second woman says, 'Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,' and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says, 'Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions, but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis.'
After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, 'Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera we're going to my parent's house for two weeks.'
The second woman says, 'Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus.'
'Well,' the third woman says, 'I've got a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg.'

The Impotence of proof reading

13 Warning labels from Samhain that made me laugh

I shop a bit at Samhain, and someone over there has a sense of humor that tickles my funny bone:

1. Warning, this title contains the following: explicit sex, graphic language, mad seduction schemes, and the hard fall of a drop dead sexy hunk.
2. Warning: This title contains the following: lots of explicit sex, going strong long after the cows come home, graphic language that’d make your mama blush, light bondage with bullropes, ménage a trois, and – yee-haw! – hot nekkid cowboy man-love.
3. Warning this title contains the following: somewhat explicit love scenes, drunken earls, irritating relatives and bathing activities that leave the floor wet and the hero and heroine exhausted.
4. Warning, this title contains the following: more sexual tension than you can shake a stick at…
5. Warning: This title contains the following: Wahoo Sex and Wash-Your-Mouth Language (Explicit Sex and Graphic Language)
6. Warning, this title contains the following: explicit sex, graphic language, ménage a trois, violence, hot nekkid man-love.
7. Warning, this title contains the following: hot, explicit sex, graphic violence and language, and is not for the faint of heart!
8. Warning, this title contains the following, explicit sex, graphic terms for body parts, torture via silk stockings, a little spanking, and shower and office sex.
9. Warning: This book contains violence, unruly Faeries, scary sea creatures, evil queens, graphic sexual content and language.
10. Warning, this title contains the following: explicit neon sex, graphic language, and violence.
11. Warning: Explicit, hanging from the chandeliers style sex
12. Warning, this title contains guns, swearing, dark thoughts about cheerful people, incomprehensible Britishisms, and painful sarcasm.
13. Warning, this title contains the following: violence, cannibalism, disturbing concepts and subversive ideas. Exposure to this novel will result in your immediate termination for reasons of national security.

Snigger...

Why men use post it notes

Laugh...

Editing

I've nearly finished my alterations to McCabes2. I've got one scene I need to add in, but I've been mulling over how its going to play out so in the mean time I've started on editing what I already have.

I wrote the first draft of this story over a year ago, and with changes in editors and the rest, it sort of ended up in limbo till late last year, and since then I've procrastinated, too. So having written Position Vacant (it just got a new 5 kiss review from Two lips reviews), Tea for Three (its looking at a late May release now, Happy Birthday to me!), and also Red Skirt, Cool Fountain (which is getting expanded from a fling to full length before I find it a home), I've had a few WTF was I thinking moments.

Such as:

"He had seen a picture of sushi being decadently served off a naked model; Kate needed no sushi adornment - she was the feast"

"He opened his lips and took what he was craving, and by god it wasn't just a spark, it was a lust-ridden firestorm." - You should read the rest of the scene - I went a wee bit overboard on the fire metaphor.

But then there are some good bits:

"...But before he got far, he had needed to get some emotions out of his system, so he kicked a stone, and then started taking his anger out on an unsuspecting bush. Moving on from the poor bush who couldn't put up a good enough fight, he'd started throwing fist sized rocks as far as he possibly could into the lake -- until he threw one too hard and toppled himself, fully dressed, into the cold water.
Now he was trudging back to the cabin, sopping wet, cold, still as angry as hell, and feeling distinctly sorry for himself."

"..Rushing the last part of the way up to the cabin and racing up the steps he skid to a halt as he came face to face with Kate. Beautiful, vibrant, sexy, and positively fuming, Kate.
“Well?” One eyebrow was raised sardonically.
“Kate?” David swallowed hard, not quite believing his eyes.
“I should hope so. I definitely don’t feel like a Tom, Dick or Harry.” The sarcasm came through loud and clear… she was not happy a happy camper. Too bad, even as angry as a hen left in the rain, he would take Kate any way he could get her.
“Kate?” He goggled at the woman standing before him in a tight, bright red tank top and jeans that clung to every voluptuous curve.
“Yes, Kate. And this is the second time today I have been greeted by a locked door. Lucky I had a spare key, wasn’t it?”
“I… ah… I was walking around the lake… I...” He couldn’t quite figure out where he was going with the sentence.
“Around the lake? Looks more like you walked through the lake. You are soaking wet, and getting colder by the minute by the look.”
Grabbing him by his shirt front, Kate dragged him behind her into the bedroom. Releasing him, she turned to him with her hands on her hips.
“Well, what are you waiting for? Get those clothes off!” Her tapping foot showed her displeasure..."

And you can count that last one as your excerpt of the moment :)

Now just to figure out what I'm naming the beastie. Currently it's called Trusting David, but with the changes I've made it's less about that and more about other things - accepting your faults, trusting in yourself to make the right decisions, growth, becoming a new you, and accepting things don't have to be normal to be right, accepting the past to move into the future. Instead I wanted to play more on the basis of the story - a battered woman found.

So these were a few idea's I was throwing around sitting in the car yesterday while kiddo had his tutoring appointment (which fyi is giving me 45 min 2x a week to write or edit with no possible interruptions, how handy is that):

Trusting David
Bruised Bones
Bruised Bones, Healed Heart
Healing Hearts
Facing Demons
Battered Hearts
Broken
Bruises Heal
Healed Bruises
Sticks and Stones - I kind of like this because my next thought is "break my bones but names will never hurt me", which, is a big part of what happens in the book. Or is this a big leap no-one else but me is going to make?

Any comments anyone?

EDIT: I suppose that if I want to keep in the Persuading Jo line of titles Finding Kate might work, too. Then number three would be Submitting to Anna or Tony's submission or some such.

Hrmmm..

I was hunting for a new pic of a hot studly man and found this:

EDIT: pic went away so I found a better one - this ones an actual action shot:

Ooookay? Squeeze me and I'll sing for you. Apparently you squeeze on the end and it honks its own horn. Thank god it doesn't squeal like an elephant when the appendage it adorns gets long enough to touch the mechanism - that would severely disappoint most of the population (plus while laughter and sex is all good, rolling on the floor peeing yourself with uncontrollable laughter is a passion killer).

Then I found this:

I'm sure it's supposed to be some sort of award or trophy, but on first glance it looks like a big mirror. Does that tickle anyone sense of irony as it does mine? Cause sometimes I get the idea that these models spend way to much time watching themselves.

The things kids say

In the car on our way to dinner tonight, FB asks kiddo how his field trip went this week.

"It wasn't a field trip daddy, it was a day off because of that Brown Man"

Okay, bear with us here, we come from New Zealand; MLK, while known, isn't exactly an icon like he is here, so it took us a while to figure out which Brown Man (Capitalised just like the way he said it) he meant. In our day to day life we don't encounter many people of colour, a few Asians now and then, and I haven't really sat down and said people with this colour skin are called X, and besides I don't know what to call anyone these days - Black, African American...??? For kiddo the colour of their skin is purely a descriptive term; like blond or red hair, blue or green eyes, so its never bothered us that he says they are a brown person versus a white person.

Of course we had to try explain racism to a six (nearly 7, mom!) year old. So trying to keep it simple we explained that before mummy and daddy were born, brown people didn't have a good time of it in America and they were often not allowed to do things white people could (ride buses, drink from the same water fountain, shop at the same shops or go to the same schools), and that people like MLK told white people it wasn't fair for them to treat brown people any differently. I thought we were doing pretty good at keeping it simple. So quite how we got to "So brown people and white people can swap shirts now?" I have not one clue. Kiddos thoughts are not all that linear in the least, but at least he got the idea.

Now on the way home, it was a decidedly lighter mood. Kiddo loves music, the hip pop hoppier the better. Fergalicious comes on the radio and he is pleading for the car to do its magic and make it louder (he hasn't realised yet there is a volume control on the steering wheel - and since mums need all the magic help we can get, I ain't spilling the beans!). 3/4 the way through the song FB turns it down to tell me something and screams of indignation arise from the back seat.

"Turn my song back up...I like this song...turn the T&A song back yup!!!"
"Are you sure? I thought you didn't like girls?" (ahh what us parents do for cheap thrills)
"I don't like girls! Turn my T&A song back up! I like that song"

Yup word for word - he likes T&A. Of course he was remembering the first letters of T A S T E Y (btw, Fergie can't spell it seems - I had to look it up thinking maybe it was an English/USA thing, but no there shouldn't be an E).

The world is good, kiddo realises racism is bad, and he likes T&A. It's enough to make a mother cry happy tears!