13 Christmas Funnies

I know I've been a bad bad blogger, and I'm sure your all thinking I'm Ms Flakey because there's been no blog serial updates either. I'll plead burn out and the fact that my mother is here from NZ, so I've ended up in a horrid, horrid cycle of cleaning and organising. It's scary, scary stuff I tell you!

So something to make you laugh...some are old, but still funny :)

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Have a laugh

Courtesy of Headless over on Borsboards:

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 25th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first woman says, 'My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two Weeks,' and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second woman says, 'Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,' and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says, 'Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions, but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis.'
After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, 'Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera we're going to my parent's house for two weeks.'
The second woman says, 'Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus.'
'Well,' the third woman says, 'I've got a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg.'

LOL NEWS

Couple call out cops to release sex-shop handcuffs
New 8:36AM Friday August 24, 2007

An embarrassed Auckland couple had to make an emergency call to police last night to remove handcuffs they bought from a sex shop.

The man and woman, reported to be fully dressed, had put on the handcuffs after buying them that day.

They then found they could not take them off again and dialled 111.

A police spokesman said today there was a problem with the locking mechanism and a key was not needed to free the couple.

"There was nothing sinister to it. It was a light-hearted moment," he said.

He was unsure if the handcuffs were fur lined.

- NZPA

*SNORT*

To brighten up your Monday:

Vibrator robber jailed over raid

Jex concealed the sex toy in a carrier bag, pretending it was a gun
A robber who held up a bookmaker's shop in Leicester with his girlfriend's vibrator has been jailed.
Nicki Jex, 27, of Braunstone, Leicester, hid the sex toy in a carrier bag pretending it was a gun, Leicester Crown Court heard.

The manager at Ladbrokes in Narborough Road handed over more than £600 in cash when he pointed it at her on 27 December 2006, the court heard.

On Monday, Jex, who pleaded guilty to robbery, was jailed for five years.

Sentencing him, Judge Philip Head said: "It's right to record that you did not have a firearm but you pretended you had and intended that those you confronted believed that you did, and it must have been truly terrifying for them at the time." . . .

And this which takes me back to the days when all these songs were king!:

The Impotence of proof reading

13 Warning labels from Samhain that made me laugh

I shop a bit at Samhain, and someone over there has a sense of humor that tickles my funny bone:

1. Warning, this title contains the following: explicit sex, graphic language, mad seduction schemes, and the hard fall of a drop dead sexy hunk.
2. Warning: This title contains the following: lots of explicit sex, going strong long after the cows come home, graphic language that’d make your mama blush, light bondage with bullropes, ménage a trois, and – yee-haw! – hot nekkid cowboy man-love.
3. Warning this title contains the following: somewhat explicit love scenes, drunken earls, irritating relatives and bathing activities that leave the floor wet and the hero and heroine exhausted.
4. Warning, this title contains the following: more sexual tension than you can shake a stick at…
5. Warning: This title contains the following: Wahoo Sex and Wash-Your-Mouth Language (Explicit Sex and Graphic Language)
6. Warning, this title contains the following: explicit sex, graphic language, ménage a trois, violence, hot nekkid man-love.
7. Warning, this title contains the following: hot, explicit sex, graphic violence and language, and is not for the faint of heart!
8. Warning, this title contains the following, explicit sex, graphic terms for body parts, torture via silk stockings, a little spanking, and shower and office sex.
9. Warning: This book contains violence, unruly Faeries, scary sea creatures, evil queens, graphic sexual content and language.
10. Warning, this title contains the following: explicit neon sex, graphic language, and violence.
11. Warning: Explicit, hanging from the chandeliers style sex
12. Warning, this title contains guns, swearing, dark thoughts about cheerful people, incomprehensible Britishisms, and painful sarcasm.
13. Warning, this title contains the following: violence, cannibalism, disturbing concepts and subversive ideas. Exposure to this novel will result in your immediate termination for reasons of national security.

Laugh...

Showering

I've seen the email version of this before, but laughed at how true it really is!

EDIT: Feck it! I can't get the embed to work, Blogger keeps doing hokey things, go HERE instead.

EDIT 2: No, this isn't it, but something else I found funny

Editing

I've nearly finished my alterations to McCabes2. I've got one scene I need to add in, but I've been mulling over how its going to play out so in the mean time I've started on editing what I already have.

I wrote the first draft of this story over a year ago, and with changes in editors and the rest, it sort of ended up in limbo till late last year, and since then I've procrastinated, too. So having written Position Vacant (it just got a new 5 kiss review from Two lips reviews), Tea for Three (its looking at a late May release now, Happy Birthday to me!), and also Red Skirt, Cool Fountain (which is getting expanded from a fling to full length before I find it a home), I've had a few WTF was I thinking moments.

Such as:

"He had seen a picture of sushi being decadently served off a naked model; Kate needed no sushi adornment - she was the feast"

"He opened his lips and took what he was craving, and by god it wasn't just a spark, it was a lust-ridden firestorm." - You should read the rest of the scene - I went a wee bit overboard on the fire metaphor.

But then there are some good bits:

"...But before he got far, he had needed to get some emotions out of his system, so he kicked a stone, and then started taking his anger out on an unsuspecting bush. Moving on from the poor bush who couldn't put up a good enough fight, he'd started throwing fist sized rocks as far as he possibly could into the lake -- until he threw one too hard and toppled himself, fully dressed, into the cold water.
Now he was trudging back to the cabin, sopping wet, cold, still as angry as hell, and feeling distinctly sorry for himself."

"..Rushing the last part of the way up to the cabin and racing up the steps he skid to a halt as he came face to face with Kate. Beautiful, vibrant, sexy, and positively fuming, Kate.
“Well?” One eyebrow was raised sardonically.
“Kate?” David swallowed hard, not quite believing his eyes.
“I should hope so. I definitely don’t feel like a Tom, Dick or Harry.” The sarcasm came through loud and clear… she was not happy a happy camper. Too bad, even as angry as a hen left in the rain, he would take Kate any way he could get her.
“Kate?” He goggled at the woman standing before him in a tight, bright red tank top and jeans that clung to every voluptuous curve.
“Yes, Kate. And this is the second time today I have been greeted by a locked door. Lucky I had a spare key, wasn’t it?”
“I… ah… I was walking around the lake… I...” He couldn’t quite figure out where he was going with the sentence.
“Around the lake? Looks more like you walked through the lake. You are soaking wet, and getting colder by the minute by the look.”
Grabbing him by his shirt front, Kate dragged him behind her into the bedroom. Releasing him, she turned to him with her hands on her hips.
“Well, what are you waiting for? Get those clothes off!” Her tapping foot showed her displeasure..."

And you can count that last one as your excerpt of the moment :)

Now just to figure out what I'm naming the beastie. Currently it's called Trusting David, but with the changes I've made it's less about that and more about other things - accepting your faults, trusting in yourself to make the right decisions, growth, becoming a new you, and accepting things don't have to be normal to be right, accepting the past to move into the future. Instead I wanted to play more on the basis of the story - a battered woman found.

So these were a few idea's I was throwing around sitting in the car yesterday while kiddo had his tutoring appointment (which fyi is giving me 45 min 2x a week to write or edit with no possible interruptions, how handy is that):

Trusting David
Bruised Bones
Bruised Bones, Healed Heart
Healing Hearts
Facing Demons
Battered Hearts
Broken
Bruises Heal
Healed Bruises
Sticks and Stones - I kind of like this because my next thought is "break my bones but names will never hurt me", which, is a big part of what happens in the book. Or is this a big leap no-one else but me is going to make?

Any comments anyone?

EDIT: I suppose that if I want to keep in the Persuading Jo line of titles Finding Kate might work, too. Then number three would be Submitting to Anna or Tony's submission or some such.

13 unusual search terms

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Cleaning hunks?

Oh you have to get a gander at this : http://www.cleaninghunk.com/

Of course its all a marketing stunt - we all know a man wouldn't be caught dead cleaning. But you know, I think this would take off like a rocket. Merry Maids....shheeesh, you're so behind the times giiirl! I have the Cleaning Hunks come!

The things kids say

In the car on our way to dinner tonight, FB asks kiddo how his field trip went this week.

"It wasn't a field trip daddy, it was a day off because of that Brown Man"

Okay, bear with us here, we come from New Zealand; MLK, while known, isn't exactly an icon like he is here, so it took us a while to figure out which Brown Man (Capitalised just like the way he said it) he meant. In our day to day life we don't encounter many people of colour, a few Asians now and then, and I haven't really sat down and said people with this colour skin are called X, and besides I don't know what to call anyone these days - Black, African American...??? For kiddo the colour of their skin is purely a descriptive term; like blond or red hair, blue or green eyes, so its never bothered us that he says they are a brown person versus a white person.

Of course we had to try explain racism to a six (nearly 7, mom!) year old. So trying to keep it simple we explained that before mummy and daddy were born, brown people didn't have a good time of it in America and they were often not allowed to do things white people could (ride buses, drink from the same water fountain, shop at the same shops or go to the same schools), and that people like MLK told white people it wasn't fair for them to treat brown people any differently. I thought we were doing pretty good at keeping it simple. So quite how we got to "So brown people and white people can swap shirts now?" I have not one clue. Kiddos thoughts are not all that linear in the least, but at least he got the idea.

Now on the way home, it was a decidedly lighter mood. Kiddo loves music, the hip pop hoppier the better. Fergalicious comes on the radio and he is pleading for the car to do its magic and make it louder (he hasn't realised yet there is a volume control on the steering wheel - and since mums need all the magic help we can get, I ain't spilling the beans!). 3/4 the way through the song FB turns it down to tell me something and screams of indignation arise from the back seat.

"Turn my song back up...I like this song...turn the T&A song back yup!!!"
"Are you sure? I thought you didn't like girls?" (ahh what us parents do for cheap thrills)
"I don't like girls! Turn my T&A song back up! I like that song"

Yup word for word - he likes T&A. Of course he was remembering the first letters of T A S T E Y (btw, Fergie can't spell it seems - I had to look it up thinking maybe it was an English/USA thing, but no there shouldn't be an E).

The world is good, kiddo realises racism is bad, and he likes T&A. It's enough to make a mother cry happy tears!

Friday Funny

Check this out...

Bors Boards is a never ending source of...well...everything really.

http://www.glumbert.com/media/spiders

Thirteen ways to annoy your husband

Thursday thirteen #3

1. It has to come in at the top spot: Hide the remote

2. Use his razor on your legs.

3. Quickly followed by him finding out you used up the last of his shaving foam, too!

4. Use the girly scented fabric softener on his work clothes

5. Throw away all the holey underwear when he's at work - it's not Holy, it's just holey!

6. Get his favourite chair restuffed, and recovered - with Laura Ashley fabric.

7. Organise his 'man space', everything will be hanging in front of his nose and he won't be able to find it.

8. Invite your mother to stay for a week...make sure its on a weekend that a big game is on, and demand you want to go out to eat at the exact time of kick off.

9. Take his rough, tough, manly man dog to the groomers, and bring it home smelling sweet with a bow in it's hair. If you can stretch to a poodle cut, all the better!

10. Make him take your cat for a walk, complete with leash and rhinestone collar.

11. Tune all the preset stations to Chick Rock, Disney and classical. After all if its good enough for your car, its good enough for his truck.

12. His truck - oh the wealth of opportunities! From getting it detailed till it gleams when he has spent 6 months building up off roading grime, all the way to giving it a sunshine yellow paint job. Mary Kay Pink if you're really mean.

13. Take a photo of him asleep in his Laura Ashley chair, with the cat cuddled up to his head and his now foo foo dog at his feet and gleefully send it to all his mates, who will then put it in their wallets to bring out every friday night down at the pub... Priceless!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Shamelessly hooked from some Smart Bitches...

Check the sidebar links, I'm not being mean, they ARE Smart Bitches who read Trashy Books!

Romance at its finest

Where did you come from?

I have become a bit of a Stat-aholic with my websites. I have been using the free Bravenet, but also another free service called icerocket to monitor hits, countries they came from traffic times and the like.

What continually surprises me is what people google, and my name comes up...

Furry Ass - what the hell?
Washing hands - okay, I know this relates to my little rant on the evil dishwasher, but who googles washing hands? Doesn't everyone know how to wash their hands?
Relationship love bites hickey - well, this is a little more like it!
Strong erotica for married couples - it looks like these people are trying a little something new to liven up their love life, you go!
Laughing gives you wrinkles - LOL, check out last weeks Thursday 13 to check out why I came up on this.

Thirteen ways to leave your lover...

Thursday thirteen #2

1. Send flowers - Dead Flowers. Nothing says it like flowers

2. Not a flowers kind of person, and prefer to send houseplants? How about a prickly cactus with a sweet love note saying "this is how I think of you in my heart".

3. Stand him up - the new millennium way. Make a date to meet him at a fancy restaurant, also arrange to meet your new love at the same place. Make as if you plan to sit at the table, but waltz on by, and greet your new love by draping your scantily clad body over his and lickin' his lips like hes candy on a stick. Don't gloat unless your new love is of the same sex - only then should you look over and smile and watch his/her dreams of the threesome going swirling down the drain.

4. Set him up on a date...with your gay best friend.

5. Pet allergies huh? Make your feelings known via the SPCA/Humane society, adopt a couple of furry friends and invite him/her over to watch the game/chick flick.

6. Lip gloss - the kind with the flavour he doesn't like. Eventually he will get the hint.

7. Rearrange their stuff. Hide his porn, or even more dastardly - the remote. Never fear, the gals get their comeuppance, too - use her favourite hairbrush on your dog, or that expensive face cream on your jock itch...you won't see her for dust!

8. The Silent Treatment - now this really only works on girls; you know how frustrated we get when you ignore us.

9. Go all Janice on his ass. Remember Janice, Chandler Bing's ex-girlfriend in Friends? And that annoying laugh, only just slightly beating out Nanny Fine's caterwauling? Develop a new annoying vocal habit, use it to good effect during the game. He'll be gone by half time and wont be back!

10. Buy a dildo...with a harness. Then ask him if you can drive tonight. If he says go for it, you might just have to think twice about getting rid of the guy!

11. Be a Momma's boy. When she goes all out with candles and fine food, tell her it doesn't taste as good as what your Momma makes. This is an extreme measure, be prepared to duck flying forks and plates used like a Frisbee.

12. Really want this girl out of your hair? Wear her panties. You might not want to go as far as her bra (they are uncomfortable SOB's), but no woman is going to take you walking around in her finest - especially when it looks better on you!

13. Just slip out the back, jack. Make a new plan, Stan. You don't need to be coy, Roy. Just get yourself free. Hop on the bus, Gus. You don't need to discuss much. Just drop off the key, lee. And get yourself free.

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Thank you, Mandy and Russell!

Who said a man with a bit of beef on his bones can't be sexy?

A Friday teaser

I have been trying out my shapeshifter wings :

The scent was sweeter than any fruit; soaking his senses, calling to him. He shoved his nose into the damp crevice where the glorious smell was strongest. Tasting the treat before him with his nose and his tongue, he edged his way slowly closer to the female that tantalized him so with her perfume.

She was what he had been seeking all these years. None of the other females had felt right, they hadn’t smelt right, but this one…this one was he had been waiting for. He wanted to dip his tongue into the delicious honey, wallow in her fragrance and mark her as his own.

“What the fuck?” Rex fell back onto his ass, pinching at his nose trying to stem the flow of blood as another clenched fist in front of a damn good right hook smashed into his cheek. “What the hell do you think you’re doing lady?”

He managed to get a hold of her wrist before she wound up for another strike and pulled her forward into his chest, landing them both on the floor with an “oomph”. Pearl landed perfectly nestled between his legs and across his chest. Rex flipped them over, his powerful and naked thighs falling either side of her hips holding her hands above her head as she struggled to get free.

“Get off me, you brute!” You brute? The woman was such a contradiction, Miss Manners one moment, then modern attitude and vernacular the next.

“ME? I’m a brute? Lady, I’m the one with a bleeding nose.” It didn’t matter that part of his dual nature was the ability to heal a lot fast than a normal human and his nose was now a slow ooze, not the gushing river it had been when he was shocked into changing back from his bear form. “What did I do to you to make you lash out like that? I might not have been Mr. Congeniality the way I bundled you up here - but I apologized - and I even changed just like you asked, why were you smacking me over the snout?”

Pulling one hand away, he poked at the cartilage running along the ridge of his nose, grimacing in one particularly sore spot. “I don’t think you broke it.”

The struggles had stopped, drawing his attention away from his injury and back to the woman lying supine beneath him. Her face was pale, but bursts of color brushed her cheeks and she panted shallowly. Following her gaze Rex realized he had transformed back sans clothing and now straddled her buck naked with a raging hard on.

“You’re...” Pearl cleared her throat making her breasts jiggle as well as heave from her panting. “…ah…you’re naked.” And turned on went unsaid, but acknowledged anyway.

“Yes, it does seem that way doesn’t it.” Quite an enviable state considering the circumstances, Rex thought to himself.

Pearl’s skirt rode up around her waist and she had lost a couple of buttons in the scuffle from that very puritan blouse she wore. His cock now rested, larger than it had ever been in its life, nestled into the V of Pearl’s legs and hips, framed by pretty blue lace hipster panties.

He wasn’t inclined to make haste and move off the lovely plump bundle who was struggling again. Rubbing her mons up along his dick as she tried to buck him loose, straining the remaining buttons of her blouse until another popped and the bra matching the panties lay exposed.

Like a bear to honey, Rex couldn’t hold back any longer. In both forms she was like nectar, and he wasn’t on any sort of diet. Leaning down he ran the slightly stubbly edge of his cheek along the now exposed nape of her neck, scenting her, marking her with his own. He nipped at the bruise on her shoulder with his canines extended drawing a heated gasp as he ground down with his hips giving pleasure with the pain of the bite.

Despite his brain feebly telling him to stop, nature took a hold, pushing logical thought to the side, letting the instinct to mate with a suitable female prowl his consciousness. The smell of fear was easily overridden as he felt moisture seep through the lace, dampening his skin.

Laving the bite mark he heard small whimpers of pleasure from Pearl, the woman his beast recognized as his mate, the woman who would bear his cubs and be his to protect. Unable to suppress a groan he took her mouth roughly with his kiss. The smooth heat of her lips slid over his as she opened to him, caressing his thrusting tongue with her own as she invited him into her body, mimicking the thrusts of his hips against hers.