Thursday, December 21, 2006

Thirteen ways to leave your lover...

Thursday thirteen #2

1. Send flowers - Dead Flowers. Nothing says it like flowers

2. Not a flowers kind of person, and prefer to send houseplants? How about a prickly cactus with a sweet love note saying "this is how I think of you in my heart".

3. Stand him up - the new millennium way. Make a date to meet him at a fancy restaurant, also arrange to meet your new love at the same place. Make as if you plan to sit at the table, but waltz on by, and greet your new love by draping your scantily clad body over his and lickin' his lips like hes candy on a stick. Don't gloat unless your new love is of the same sex - only then should you look over and smile and watch his/her dreams of the threesome going swirling down the drain.

4. Set him up on a date...with your gay best friend.

5. Pet allergies huh? Make your feelings known via the SPCA/Humane society, adopt a couple of furry friends and invite him/her over to watch the game/chick flick.

6. Lip gloss - the kind with the flavour he doesn't like. Eventually he will get the hint.

7. Rearrange their stuff. Hide his porn, or even more dastardly - the remote. Never fear, the gals get their comeuppance, too - use her favourite hairbrush on your dog, or that expensive face cream on your jock itch...you won't see her for dust!

8. The Silent Treatment - now this really only works on girls; you know how frustrated we get when you ignore us.

9. Go all Janice on his ass. Remember Janice, Chandler Bing's ex-girlfriend in Friends? And that annoying laugh, only just slightly beating out Nanny Fine's caterwauling? Develop a new annoying vocal habit, use it to good effect during the game. He'll be gone by half time and wont be back!

10. Buy a dildo...with a harness. Then ask him if you can drive tonight. If he says go for it, you might just have to think twice about getting rid of the guy!

11. Be a Momma's boy. When she goes all out with candles and fine food, tell her it doesn't taste as good as what your Momma makes. This is an extreme measure, be prepared to duck flying forks and plates used like a Frisbee.

12. Really want this girl out of your hair? Wear her panties. You might not want to go as far as her bra (they are uncomfortable SOB's), but no woman is going to take you walking around in her finest - especially when it looks better on you!

13. Just slip out the back, jack. Make a new plan, Stan. You don't need to be coy, Roy. Just get yourself free. Hop on the bus, Gus. You don't need to discuss much. Just drop off the key, lee. And get yourself free.


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4 comments:

Zeus said...

This made me laugh out loud! Why haven't I thought of these things? I might just have to reference this list in the future.

Happy Thursday to you!

Rashenbo said...

*cough* :) That's a great list! I really like your header... it's very provocative :D

I really enjoyed reading this.

Happy TT!

ancsweetnsassygal said...

WOW! I have never thought of some of these. Great, great list especially #4 and #5. My TT is up also.

Merry Christmas!

HeatherinBeautifulBritishColumbia said...

Fabulous list - made me laugh... I'll be back to read more and am linking you. You are very astute - I do like to fish :) Thanks for visiting!